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See, you can have a well maintained grizzly beard. Sigh, we wish hipsters looked like Jon Hamm.

While it’s still ridiculously cold here on the East Coast, many men, particularly hipsters have opted to grow a beard. While the Edukatorz fully approve of men with beards (but not mustaches), we only approve of them if they are properly maintained. As we all know, hipsters are not really into the whole personal grooming thing, but if they want to look more erudite than they actually are and pick up chicks they’re going to have to maintain their beard. It’s doable no matter how ridiculous you choose to make your facial hair.

First thing’s first is make sure you can properly grow a beard in the first place. Little patches of hair on your face does not qualify as a beard. If that’s all you’re capable of growing, give it up, you will never have a full beard. Instead opt for the clean shaven look or cultivate some mild stubble.

If you are one of the fortunate who can grow a full beard make sure it looks good. The main thing you need to remember to do is to keep your beard clean and free of crumbs etc. That’s super gross leaving food in your beard. Make sure to properly wipe your chin area to make sure no food attached itself to your facial hair. You’re not saving it for later and you don’t want to attract birds.

You’ll need to invest in a proper beard trimmer. While this does cost money and would take away from spending money on partying/art/whatever else hipsters spend their money on, it’s a good investment. Not only will you be able to keep your beard even, but it’ll also help you shape your beard into whatever weird shapes you desire if the full beard isn’t doing it for you.

Spring is coming. It might not seem like it, with the remnants of snowmageddon all over, and the emotional drainage that goes with it. But we promise, it’ll be here soon. And that means it’s going to be rainy. And rain can be the enemy of fashion, if you let it. However, with some simple preparation, you can stay fly no matter how wet it is out. And the Edukatorz are all about preparation.

First, it’s important to know when it’s going to rain so you don’t get caught unawares in a storm. There’s also no reason to listen to the local weathergirl/man, unless she’s particularly hot or his hair is particularly epic. The Edukatorz are big fans of NPR, and getting your morning news with periodic weather updates is always helpful. In this age of technology, though, your options are many. NOAA’s National Weather Service has a good website if you want the bare bones. The Weather Channel’s site is fancypants but ultimately less useful in terms of real information – pretty much what you might expect from a TV channel entirely dedicated to weather. I mean, they gotta monetize that. Our personal web recommendation is Wunderground. It’s got great maps, re-posts all relevant NWS warnings, has background on meteorological patterns, and all sorts of cool stuff. It’s the ideal balance between readable and informative.

Now that you’re staying informed, let’s turn to your wardrobe. Yellow raincoats are fine if you are into that kindergarten chic. Old sneakers that won’t get ruined by a puddle are a cheap option, but aren’t at all effective for either looking fly or keeping your feet dry. And while last-minute purchases of umbrellas from guys at the subway stop in the middle of a thunderstorm are better than nothing, these tend to be shoddily made, overpriced, and ugly. However, thanks to the Edukatorz foresight in posting this article in February, you have time to shop!
In recent years, ridiculous galoshes have become really popular with the ladies. While they’re not the most attractive footwear, they’re fun and practical and therefore are probably not going anywhere anytime soon. Some designers have become worried about this fad not fading too, though, and there are some very funky versions out now. The Edukatorz rock däv. For the gentlemen, rain boots are sadly rare. There are some classy options out there for you guys, too. Since men’s rain boots aren’t trendy, the best way to shop is to stick to traditional outerwear brands and think practical and unoffensive. We like these from REI.
Coats are an important element of a put-together rain outfit. It’s best to have an actual raincoat, as opposed to just a jacket that won’t get messed up in the rain, because rain can happen in a whole range of temperatures and by May you aren’t going to want to be wearing a winter jacket. Much better to have an overcoat that you can wear with a sweater if it’s cold. When purchasing a raincoat, remember to ensure it is long enough to be practical. Where there is rain, there is mud, and mud tends to splash.

The coat is one where men don’t have to worry about limited options. The men’s raincoat is a traditional piece of business-wear and there are plenty of options. The ladies, too, can find a raincoat or two from any of your favorite designer’s spring lines. Just please, don’t wear your leather, even if it’s waterproofed. You look silly.

Once you’ve got those fashion basics, there are a few other considerations when dressing for the rain. You aren’t going to want to wear wide-legged pants or pants that are too long for fear of puddles (unless you are tucking them into your awesome rainboots, but wide-legged pants can look a little bulky and awkward when you do that).

Umbrellas are key, and you should own at least one. Ladies, if you are prone to excessively large purses, consider keeping a miniature collapsible umbrella in there as backup. Unless you are the type to flake out and abandon your umbrella in a restaurant (and, yes, sadly, the Edukatorz tend to be that type), you should buy a good-quality umbrella. It will last you a lot longer. For those who are adverse to the whole concept of umbrellas, make sure your rain coat has a hood.

Of course, you are not completely dressed without your hairstyle. Be careful when you are styling your hair in the morning: some styling products do not do well in the rain. While an umbrella will keep most of the water off your hair, the damp can still adversely affect your style. If you normally use gel, we recommend using more or a stronger formula than usual. For long hairstyles, just keep it in an updo and spray the shit out of it with a strong hairspray. Curly or frizzy hair? You’re pretty much doomed. Don’t bother with the de-frizz products in the rain – they’re water-based and therefore water-soluble. If you don’t want to embrace the waviness, your best bet is to straighten with a flat iron set to a high heat, spray it, and cross your fingers.

Finally, a couple notes on your makeup. Avoid liquid foundation, it’s likely to run. Stick to powder and layer it, as that means it’s more likely to last. Waterproof mascara and eyeliner are absolute musts in the rain unless you like the heroin-racoon look. Overall, it’s best to be on the safe side and not overdo the makeup.

Hopefully these tips give you some shopping ideas for the coming weeks and will keep you fresh, wild, fly and bold all spring.

Wine is a delightful challenge. While everyone can enjoy it, it takes a lifetime to understand it. No matter how expert you are in matters of wine, there is always more to learn. Even we Edukatorz admit we have a lot to learn. So, there is no time like the present. Get down to some serious wine drinking and edukate yourself. And there’s no reason to throw those wine corks away: they’re useful little suckers in a whole range of situations. Whether you like arts and crafts or like to have a solution on hand when problems come up, keep some wine corks around. Here are just a few of the ways you can use wine corks.

Artsy Cork Board

For the craft fans, save a whole lot of wine corks to make a funky-looking bulletin board. There are two basic ways to do this, and for both the Edukatorz recommend using hot glue on plywood. For an approximately 1 1/4-inch thick board with a flat surface, glue them round-ends-down in a honeycomb sort of pattern, starting from the middle and working your way out. For a thinner, uneven surface, glue them sides-down in a brick pattern. The second option is good if you want to use the board to hang things: hammer in some nails or hooks to organize and display necklaces, keys, or small kitchen gadgets (measuring cups, cheese graters, etc.).

Door Jam

Discreet, disposable, and cheap, wine corks are the perfect way to prop open a door. Cut them on a diagonal with a serrated knife to make a wedge shape to stick under a door.

Awesome Cabinet Knobs

Wine is always a good look in the kitchen. Screw corks into drawers or cabinet doors for a unique knob look. If you’re a baller, and the Edukatorz are clearly ballers, use different champagne corks. It’s a sweet way to show off the Veuve Fourny Rose you drank the other night, and hey, they’re already knob-shaped.

Steady Wobbly Tables

An age-old restaurant technique (since restaurant tables tend to have adjustable screw feet that inevitably get beat up and end up dysfunctional), use wine corks to steady a wobbly table. Either by cutting them diagonally like a door jam or by cutting them into discs at the appropriate thickness, stick a cork under the offending table leg and voila, straight table.

Soundproofing Wallpaper

This is the extreme of wine-cork crafting. If you save up enough corks, you can use the corkboard-making techniques directly on a wall, either with hot glue or nails. Particularly in rowhouses with thin walls, this will add some serious thickness between you and your neighbors. Also a great interior-design look for the home music studio. We suggest you own the place you’re doing it to, though… landlords might not like it. Also, you may way to soak the corks in water for a while to remove as much as the booze smell as possible.

Insulation Helpers

Particularly if your home has exposed brick walls, you’ll find little holes in the masonry. Often people use nasty foam stuff or gross-looking caulk to fill them. Instead, try using caulk to seal the edges of the hole and stick a cork in it. Definitely a better look.

Furniture Feet

If you have an old chair or bookcase that’s going to scratch your hardwood floor while you push it around, just attach a disc of cork and presto, non-scratching feet for your furniture.

Pretty Much Every Other Arts-and-Crafts Project You Can Think Of

Not just corkboards and doorknobs, wine corks are great for any kind of wall decoration, glued onto frames, as coasters, whatever. Just keep ‘em until your imagination strikes.

Corking Other Bottles

Well, duh. You lose one cork, you can just use an old one if you have them on hand. However, the Edukatorz recommend that you either finish your bottle of wine, or cop some of these jawns.

Dear Edukatorz,

Help, I have no game! I’m a 26 year old female and whenever I start talking to a guy at the bar I become super awkward and have absolutely no game. It’s weird because I’m not awkward any other time.  Can you please make a ‘How to Have Game’ presentation for me? Or at least tell me how not to be awkward.  Lord knows that I need that lesson ASAP.

Dear Long Island Law,

This is a problem that dudes are surprisingly unaware of – women can in fact be just as awkward and game-less as men can be. We all know that awkwardness is the enemy of awesome and everyone should always strive to be awesome. While we don’t doubt that you’re awesome, it’s not always easy to let go of the awkwardness. We’re going to start work on a ‘How to Have Game’ presentation, but in the mean time we’ll give you a couple of tips on how not to be awkward.

First thing you need to do is relax. The number one problem awkward people have is that they’re too wound up and care too much about what a stranger thinks of them. Just relax and go with the flow.

When someone approaches you at the bar (assuming you want to talk to them) act like you’re talking to someone you know, but haven’t seen in a really long time so you have to catch up, i.e. tell them about yourself. You’re not awkward around people you know, are you? This will help the conversation flow and it’ll prevent stops in the conversation.

Pay attention to your body language. Don’t fidget, seem too closed off or look down this will only make you look awkward. If you’re relaxed you won’t have this problem, but if you can’t get yourself to relax you’ll need to fake it with your body language. Make eye contact with the person you’re talking and enjoy the conversation.

We hope this helps out temporarily while we put some presentations together!

-The Edukatorz

Girls like flowers. We don’t know why this is, but it is a universal truth. Some guys don’t understand this, thinking that they’re too boring to be romantic. While creative, personalized gifts are always a good look, random flowers are an easy way to make any girl happy. So let’s go over some basic flower situations.

The Birthday Flowers

Whether it’s a long-term relationship or after two dates, when your girl’s birthday comes around flowers are not optional, they are mandatory. The rest of the present depends on the situation, but the flowers are pretty universal here. If you know her particular favorite flower, now is the time for that. If not, the rule of thumb here is a unique varied bouquet. You might want to look for some big, crazy tropical flowers that are fun and different.

The “I fucked up” Flowers

You slept with her sister? You got drunk and used her cat to wipe up your vomit? Yeah, you’re going to need to buy some flowers here. At the very least. Really, it’s a shallow and meaningless gesture, but it gives any apology a little extra weight behind it. We recommend breaking the bank on this one. Go over-the-top and obvious. Look for some rare roses.

The Random Flowers for the Girlfriend

In any long-term relationship, showing affection can get a little difficult. Bringing flowers home from work for your honey for no reason at all is a great way to put a smile on her face. Natural wildflowers, local selections and bouquets that would look great in your house are appropriate for this situation. These flowers are saying “you’re a great person, just all around.”

The Side Ho Flowers

That girl you’re doing on the side can get a little upset when you don’t take her out in public and spend money on your girlfriend, so an easy way to keep her happy is to send flowers to her work. That says “I’m thinking about you when I’m with my girlfriend, and here’s some flowers to show all your coworkers that you’ve sort of got a man.” Whenever you send a girl flowers at work, try to do it on a Monday. All too often, guys send flowers to the office on a Friday. Then the girl has to take them home, can only enjoy them for a day instead of a whole week of seeing them at her desk, and if she has plans already after work she has to drag them to happy with her.

The “I don’t know how to buy flowers” Flowers

99% of the time, guys who don’t buy flowers default with roses. While this is all well and good, you should avoid the typical ruby red flowers. They just look lazy. Dark red roses are very romantic and passionate. Other options include yellow roses (since these are traditionally for friendship, these are better for girlfriends than for flings), peach roses, or the best of all worlds with a collection of different-colored roses.

Whether it be anchor tattoos, yacht rock and now parties on actual boats, hipsters love them some some nautical themes. It is unclear why hipsters are so enthralled with nautical themes. Perhaps the emptiness of the vast ocean is a metaphor for their empty existence, or, more likely, they just think it looks cool (hipsters are not that self-reflective even if they play like they are).

Hipster boat/yacht rock parties are the perfect type of hipster party. They combine ridiculous outfits, old “not cool” music with an “alt” twist on a rich persons activity (boating). All of these parties have a few things in common.

Dressing Up

Where do you even get a captains hat? And note the "ironic" Miller Lite necklace.

One of the whole points of a boat/yacht rock party, etc. It is imperative that when attending a hipster boat/yacht rock party, etc. that one dress up lest you look like the Becky or Chad* who didn’t want to get in on the fun. Acceptable forms of dressing up include Captains hats, eye patches, boat shoes, blue and white stripped shirts/sweaters, collared shirts etc. You don’t want to roll in like a pirate though, that’d be a little weird, it’s a boat/yacht rock party not a pirate party, save that for your Pirates of the Carribean cosplay.

Venue

Ideally you’ll have your venue on a boat, but that can’t always be the case. If there’s no boat available for hipsters to hang out at (or if other people on the marina don’t want that element) one must decorate the party venue with nautical themes. This is one time it’s ok for hipsters to decorate their party.

Booze

It’s a hipster party, clearly there will be booze. Nautical themed booze are in order, usually made with some sort of rum. Of course this will eventually devolve and everyone will be drinking PBR by the end of the night.

Music

Yacht rock is clearly in order for any party with a nautical theme. Put on some smooth tunes like Michael McDonald or Hall and Oates and you’re good to go. I guess seafaring shanties or pirate jigs are also acceptable, but that’s getting too close to a pirate party which is not the point at all.

I dare you to not like them!

*Oddly enough, dressing like a Becky or Chad (or more likely their parents) would be totally appropriate for this type of party.

Someone left chairs out to reserve their space over five days after the last snow.

For those not in the know, parking chairs refers to the practice of “saving” your street parking spot after a snow storm. The logic behind this practice is that if you shoveled out your spot you should be allowed to keep the spot even if you drive away for a bit. While this practice is common in the Northeast and Midwest, it’s not as common down here in DC.

While other local cities laws and enforcement allow for parking chairs, it is in fact not legal in the District of Columbia. Yeah, yeah, whine about how you took all that time to dig out your car and now the spot is “yours” and you don’t want some jerk pulling into the spot the second you leave. It’s entirely reasonable to break the law a little and reserve your spot within the first 48 or even 72 hours after a storm, but after that it’s just selfish.

Fortunately someone was there to properly edukate them and take the trash they had so carelessly left in the street.

We think this sense of entitlement is ridiculous and must be stopped. Yeah, you dug out your car, but then again so did the other people who are actually driving their cars (how do you think they got them out to drive?). We think it’s rude to expect to be able to keep your spot on a public street where you park publicly. If you want a reserved parking spot, pay for it.

As you may have seen yesterday, while I’m not edukating I spend some of my time waiting tables. I often find myself bitching about my customers in the back wait station, and these rants usually end with “What’s wrong with these people?” It occurred to me that maybe they’re just ignorant, so I decided to periodically post pieces about restaurants for non-restaurant-types (also known as “civilians” or “normals”).

The best way to get good service in sit-down dining in a restaurant you’ve never been to before (If you’re a regular, tip well. We remember. It’s that simple.), is to understand what’s going on through the waiter’s eyes. The more you understand from their perspective, and the more considerate you are of their job, the more the waiter will like you, and that means better service.

The first thing you need to understand about waiters is that we do not give a shit about you. We do not want to be your friends. In fact, we positively dislike you. The only thing, I repeat the only thing, we like is money. Waiting tables is our job. Always remember that.

This rule doesn’t apply in a few cases. First, this column doesn’t apply to bars/bartenders at all, that’s a whole different beast. In sit-down dining, however, waiters will sometimes like their regular customers (as long as they tip well, obviously, but once you get to know someone it makes waiting on them easier). Some really bizarre waiters are legitimately happy people who actually enjoy making small talk with everyone at their tables. These are either bad waiters (they’re slow at their job because they’re too busy gossiping) or they’re on a lot of drugs.

Once in a very very rare while, the luckiest of bitter waiters will get a legitimately cool table. For me this usually starts with a beer or food enthusiast’s conversation, for others it might be bonding over the Terps. Either way, you’ll know if you’re in it like that when the waiter actually gets excited to talk to you, as opposed to gracious but vapid giggles.

But back to the vast majority of the dining experience: your waiter doesn’t care about you. It’s nothing personal, it’s just that any given waiter is either fiending for a cigarette, is starving, wants to step out for a phone call, is trying to get cut, isn’t making enough money, or at the very very least has ten million other things to do.

This is what is going through a watier’s head while he’s talking to you “I need to get this order, bread for table 17, 23 might be done with their main course so I need to call dessert, need to present wine to table 21, I can see behind this old woman’s head that 22 definitely needs more water, and maybe if I get this table’s first course on the table before 23 finishes their dessert I’ll be able to run out for a cigarette.”

So, now that you get that, here’s a few things that will piss of waiters that you should avoid if you want them to give you decent service:

1) Chatty Kathy
Usually the slightly drunk middle-aged woman or the old man who wants to tell you all about his time in Italy and all the Chianti he had there when he’s ordering a bottle of French Burgundy. These are the customers that just keep talking to you… not cool if remember all the things going through the waiter’s head.

2) “Excuse me, miss!”
While you’re talking to another table or in the middle of serving food to a party of 12, these are the tables that pick up their empty basket of bread and wave it in your face saying “excuse me! excuse me!” If your waiter is a good waiter, he’ll get to you when he has a minute to refill your bread basket without you having to tell him. If he’s a bad waiter, he’s still in the middle of doing something, so he’s not going to take kindly to you interrupting him. If you want something, the way to guarantee that you don’t get it is to holler at your waiter. Just try to make eye contact and a subtle hand gesture will do the trick if really necessary.

3) Let you stand there
These are the tables who just keep talking. You stand there. You say “are you ready to order?” You try singling out one of them and ask if he’s ready. He’s ready, but he can’t get the obnoxious woman to stop babbling about her daughter’s internship at the RNC. The ten million other things you have to do are going through your head but you need this order first and you KNOW they’re ready. This horrible woman just seems to think you’re invisible.

4) The Mind Changer
These assholes usually flag you down (see pet peeve #2) when they’re in the middle of their first course to inform you that they don’t want the cassoulet they ordered, which is the most pain-in-the-ass dish the kitchen can make and definitely gets put in the oven as SOON as you ordered it. No, they want the duck confit, and you’re the one who has to go tell the kitchen. And the chef has a scary knife and likes to yell. When you change your mind, yes, the waiter is always the one who gets yelled at. Remember that.

5) The Last Table
The worst of the worst is the couple that comes in 5 minutes before the kitchen closes and stays for two hours. Waiters can’t go home until their tables go home. You’ve pissed off not only your waiter, but the bartender, the busboy, and the entire kitchen. So if you must be the last table, order quickly and don’t sit there sipping your espresso. There’s no way around it. You are an asshole. Don’t be that asshole. This is why we edukate.

While I spend a lot of my time edukating, I also spend some of it working as a waitress. While at work, I become even more bitter and jaded than usual, and spend much of my time in the back wait station bitching about my customers. These rants usually end with the questions “What is wrong with these people?” It occurred to me that maybe they’re just ignorant, so I decided to use my bitterness for the good of society and will periodically be posting pieces about restaurants for non-restaurant-types (also known as “civilians” or “normals.”) For example, did you know that a wait station is where your waiters get things like water and silverware? See, edukating already. Go me.

First off, the front of the house refers to the dining room (as opposed to the back of the house, which is the kitchen). You, as a customer, only deal with the front of the house, so we’ll worry about that today.

The basic outline of jobs in the front of the house is as follows:

Host(ess)
The host is the first person you see when you walk in. In charge of answering the phone, managing reservations, greeting people, and seating them, the host has a pretty underrated job. You try explaining to the angry couple that they can’t have the 4-top (a table that seats 4) that’s unoccupied behind you because you need it for, you know, a party of four. Or telling people they need to wait at the door. Or that you’re booked until 9 p.m. The host’s job usually devolves into spending an entire shift deflecting anger. It can get stressful.

Food Runner
The food runner is actually a hybrid back/front of the house employee. This is the person that runs (often literally, if it’s busy) your food from the kitchen to the dining room. Sometimes he might actually serve the food, depending on how the restaurant is set up.

Waiter
The waiter’s job varies a lot depending on how formal the restaurant is. The one job the waiter always has is taking the table’s order and explaining the menu to the guests. In more casual dining, they will also fetch and refill drinks, serve food (sometimes even getting it from the kitchen, if there’s no food runner), clearing (or “bussing”) and resetting tables between courses, and making sure their station is clean. A waiter’s station or section is how you refer to the tables the waiter is in charge of – this can range from 2 to 10 tables, again, usually depending on how formal the restaurant is. Waiters are very twisted people who are subject to a lot of abuse by the customers, let alone physical abuse from running around, yet for some reason keep doing  it.  Probably something wrong with the chemical balance in their brains.

Back Waiter
A job that only exists in more formal restaurants, a back waiter will take over duties like fetching and refilling drinks, resetting between courses, cleaning up stations during service, getting bread, etc. A back waiter is usually helping one specific waiter, and is usually running. Literally. Speed is of the essence for these guys.

Busboy
A busboy is like a back waiter for the whole restaurant. In casual and moderate restaurants, the busboy refills water, clears dishes, and resets tables between groups. Another physically demanding job, speed is of the essence for these guys too, plus they’re often carrying tubs of dirty dishes that can weigh a LOT.

Bartender
The bartender is, you know, in charge of the bar. Not only does the bartender have to be expert in all the food, since he’s usually serving dinner at the bar too, he’s got to know everything about all the wines and beer and mix all the cocktails – so it’s no surprise that he’s usually the highest-paid tipped employee. Restaurant bars don’t just serve customers sitting at the bar, though – when a waiter takes your drink order and enters it in the computer, a ticket pops up at the bar (just like the food ticket in the kitchen) with all the drinks on it and the table number* they’re going to. Then the bartender makes all the drinks and leaves them at the “service” bar – the part of the bar set aside for holding drinks going to the dining room.

Floor Manager
The floor manager oversees pretty much all of this. If any guests have a problem, the floor manager deals with it. During the shift, the floor manager will often help seat people at peak busy times, check in with different tables and regular customers to make sure everyone’s happy, and help explain the wines to customers in less formal restaurants where the waiter is not necessarily an expert (sometimes there’s a different whole job for that – the sommelier, or wine expert, who’ s in charge of the wine list). The floor manager is usually in charge of staffing the front of the house and scheduling them, as well as collecting all the money at the end of the night, which is the driving force and central focus of everyone in a restaurant .

Hopefully that’ll give all you non-restaurant types an idea who all those really busy-looking people running around are the next time you eat out. And I’ll let you know how to act toward them tomorrow in “how to get good service in sit-down dining.”

*For the really really ignorant, all the tables in a restaurant are labeled with numbers. That’s how different employees know which table someone is talking about. There are also position numbers in a lot of restaurants – starting with the guest closest to the door and working around the table to the left, each guest has a number too. Therefore when a waiter tells a back waiter “position 1 on table 3 is missing a fork,” the back waiter knows who exactly to give a fork to.

Our friend Max was kind enough to write us this post. Check out his blog tons o’ guns, it’s definitely in our Google Reader/our regular blog rotation.
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Plan A: Go to a women’s college
This worked wonders for me. Oh, you can’t? It’s okay, there’s a…

Plan B: Do everything Max tells you to.
Let’s begin.

Timing is everything
This is true of all things but especially girls, girls being something I am super good at. Lots of timing is hard to get right without experience, but the key is to listen to your environment and target for cues. Don’t betray your interest too early, but don’t be a stone wall. Be excellent, be independent, be a man. Also, get the practice that will become much easier for you after reading this wisdom.

Go for it
It’s on you, the bro, holder of the family jewels, keeper of the Y-chromosome, to go for the kiss. This makes you the sexual aggressor, conqueror, quite simply it makes you the man. Women these days are both liberated and desperate, and they will do a lot for you. There are only two things left that men MUST DO or face failure, the only two things that women will never take responsibility for.
1) Call at least one time.
2) Initiate the first kiss.
IT’S JUST THAT EASY!

Get close, stay close
It’s tough to go in for a kiss, we know. Get up close and personal – if she doesn’t like you all that much, she’ll withdraw and doesn’t want to be kissed yet anyway. Yet. If she snuggles up to you, she digs you.

Don’t mind the silly comment
In moments of tension, many people willfully ignore the obvious or simply choose to discuss something else. You may find the conversation going in outrageously irrelevant directions as the tension builds – this is fine. There’s nothing wrong with going in for the kiss to close a conversation about the weather (it’s weathery), jellyfish (they’re gelatinous), or her collection of vintage 70s porcelain dolls (incredibly frightening). If anything, it’s a good sign. Don’t get psyched out – the body language is just that. Listen when she speaks with her body, not necessarily with your mouth. (This skill will probably serve you well if you get married)

Pace yourself
Take it slow – revel in your victory. You’ve just sexualized the relationship and are comfortably outside the friend zone (unless she’s drunk and wants to use that as an excuse later… but that’s a problem for another column). In any case, this isn’t yet the time to aggressively fingerblast her. Now? No, still too soon. Maybe the woman you’re looking for is selling sex rather than giving it away.

Use your hands
There are all sorts of things to grab and fondle while you make out. It is, after all, makeout Mondays. Before you go for the T&A grabs (and you’ll get yours, don’t worry, all in due time, PACE YOURSELF!) there are all sorts of other targets for you. Hands in the hair, brushing against the neck, around the waist… really, are there any places that are off-limits? Besides the fingerbanging, for which you’ll need to wait at least five minutes. Rather than grabbing sexual organs, just start removing clothing. You’ll be amazed at what you can get away with in this situation. Some women think it’s being aggressive to wait for a guy to come strip their clothes off. You want to be that man, right? Be the man.

Don’t buy her too much shit until after you kiss her
Lest you become her favorite friend – the kind she exploits because he is needy and desperate. Actually, you can do this – it will give me someone else to have sex with with minimal expenditure on my part. That sound, the sound of your tears hitting your graphic-novel-based pillowcase? It’s the sound of your edukation.