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Let’s be serious: if you can’t get some at a wedding, you’re doing it wrong.

There’s something about weddings that just urges people to make out. Jealousy of the lucky soon-to-be-ravenously-screwing honeymooning couple? Biological clocks ticking? Open bar? Whatever it is, it’s a powerful force of nature akin to gravity that single persons seemingly can’t combat. We can call it the Marriage Magnetism.

That being said, there are a few pitfalls to watch out for when you’re trying to make out at a wedding as well as some practical things to think about.

First, and most important: beware incest. If either of the bridal couple is related to you, there’s a definite risk of awkward long-lost-family hookup. Make sure you know exactly how your makeout partner ended up with an invitation. If your family is particularly dysfunctional, you might want to avoid anyone from the same side of the wedding altogether, for fear of never having met your first cousin. And the possibilities there are just gross.

Once you’ve established that the object of your desire is not, in fact, related to you, there are some other things to think about at family weddings. For example, are your parents there? And would they particularly care if they found someone else in your hotel room in the morning?

So, hooking up at a family wedding can be a little trickier, but it can be done. Really, we can’t stress enough how easy it is to hook up at a wedding. Besides the Marriage Magnetism we already discussed, the circumstances are just so good. There’s probably an open bar. Part of the deal is looking like an idiot on the dance floor, so even if you can’t dance, your sense of humor will save the day (and if you need help geetting it started, check this out). Plus, either you or your potential hookup is probably staying upstairs or in a hotel nearby.

Considering all these factors contributing to the increased likelihood of making out during or after a wedding, you mainly just want to be prepared. Scope out the potential hookups during the ceremony and find out who they are. It’s not just family weddings that you need to be cautious about: that hottie at your frat brother’s wedding that seems single could be the wife of the bride’s brother who’s doing a tour in Afghanistan. You tap that, you’re probably not getting invited over to the happy newlyweds’ home for football on Sunday.

Lastly, be aware that there’s a lot of drinking going on at most weddings. Like, a LOT of drinking. You don’t want to be an accidental date rapist, and you don’t want to end up preggers because you forgot to wrap it up (see educational video below). Just because the Marriage Magnetism has you in its grip doesn’t mean that this isn’t like any other drunken hookup, and accordingly you should take the same precautions.

We recently saw an image that’s been circling around the interwebs showing the progression of the hipster to hippie transformation. While this transformation makes sense to us, we believe it is even more common for hipsters to straddle the line and be hippie hipsters.

What is a hippie hipster you may ask? Well, it is certain subsection of hipsterdom where hipsters enjoy certain attributes of hippie culture as listed below, but still holdon to their hipster status with a fervor and look down on actual hippies. You’ve probably seen hippie hipsters at shows, there the ones really into the “experience” and may have glow sticks with them.

1) Outdoorsy

While hipsters enjoy parks and bbqing, hippie hipsters will take any opportunity to hang out outside. Other hipsters may be allergic to the sun or have been up so late the night before that they wake up to late to enjoy the outdoors, but hippie hipsters relish being outside. They’ll go out for a run “just because” or walkaround barefoot in the park.

2) Hallucinogens

Hipsters love abusing substances and hippie hipsters are no exception. Except instead of coke or other amphetamines, hippie hipsters prefer to use weed, ecstasy and hallucinogens like LSD or shrooms. They think it opens up their mind to new experiences and helps their “art” blah blah.

3) Belief in the Metaphysical

Hippie hipsters are really into superficial understandings of the metaphysical. They will talk your ear off about Eastern religions or the coming Mayan Apocalypse.  They will most likely talk of going to the Burning Man festival.

4) Dress

Female hippie hipsters tend to wear flowy garments and feather headdresses or other ridiculous head gear. Think Natasha Khan.

Male hippie hipsters tend to go with the t-shirt and jeans look and may be indistinguishable from other hipsters. Though, they are more likely to sport an unkempt beard.

We’re teaming up with our good friends over at TGRIOnline and co-hosting a party, Friends – A Celebration of 50 Years of Pop Music on June 10th over at Wonderland Ballroom in DC. Our good friends DJ TMY and DJ Cold Case will be spinning the best teen pop music from the past 50 years. In the lead up to the party we’re going to be posting a few entries on things we wish we had known about when we were teenagers.

While we’re too old to become tween or teen pop sensations ourselves, we’re not too old to build our own teen pop sensations. We don’t profess to be Lou Pearlman’s (we’re not super creepy and in jail), but the formula is pretty simple and it’s easy money (so easy we’re going to start finding teens to exploit).

1) Hold auditions

Rent out a ballroom in a local hotel and put an ad in the paper that you’re holding auditions for a new pop group. You don’t necessarily have to be putting a pop group together, but if there’s only one talented person there you can just say you “think they should go solo’. Though a group is easier to manage because you can play them off of each other if they start to get uppity. Either way you will get a lot of response and most of the people auditioning will not be very good, but you will find a few who can sing and dance and are photogenic. If they are not all three of those then they are useless to you.

2) Check out the parents

Once you’ve separated the wheat from the chaff in the audition process it’s time to whittle down the audition pool further. In this case talent is not the deciding factor, but who has the most pliable parents. You want to find kids with parents who will do almost anything and let their child do almost anything to succeed in show business (read: awful parents). These parents will be the easiest to control and it will make your life easier when you skirt child labor laws and make the little ones work 16 hour days rehearsing, performing on stage and starring in their own Nickelodeon television show.

3) Get some teen pop songs

You need to get a talented songwriter (bonus points if you are a talented song writer – more money in your pocket) to write some teen pop songs for your teen. Most of the teens are not going to be like Taylor Swift and write their own songs, besides you don’t want them having that much control. Make sure to have a mix of non-threatening catchy dance tunes and emotional ballads, teens love them.

4) Makeover time

Your teen pop sensations can’t look like they just rolled out of bed, every part of them has to be perfect (how else can you lower other teens self-esteem causing them to spend more money on your product, uh, teen pop sensation?).

For boys this means they have to look completely non-threatening and slightly fem. Boys who are too masculine will freak out teen girls (and gays). The New Kids on the Block are an exception to this rule, but we all can’t build NKOTB, so for now use the Jonas Brothers and Justin Bieber as your guideposts.

For girls you want them to be cute and very girl next door-like. You want them to be non-threatening with a hint of burgeoning sexuality (for their inevitable revolt ala Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera).

5) Have a catch

Every teen pop sensation has to have something about that them makes them stand out of the crowd, they have to have a catch. There are many examples – The Jonas Brothers have abstinence and Joe Nick Jonas’ diabetes; Selena Gomez has being Latina going for her; and Demi Lovato has her claims of liking rock and roll, etc.

If happen to have a group they all have to have rolls. You need a “good” one, a “bad” one, a “cute” one, a “quiet” one and the one who actually has talent. They can’t be homogenous, you have to be able to market them individually and as a group.

Vacations are always good… but they aren’t always full of making out. Sure, if you go to Cancun for Spring Break, you’re pretty much guaranteed some action. If you go on vacation with your special someone, there had better be some action! But if you take your precious vacation days to spend time with your family or a group of friends, or if you’re just on a business trip, it can seem like you’re sacrificing some good make-outs. But it doesn’t have to be that way! Travel offers some unique opportunities to make out with all sorts of people – you just have to look for your chance. Where should you be looking? Let’s go over some typical vacation scenarios that could end in making out.

1. The Hotel Bar

This one is obvious, and particularly good for business trips. If you’re stuck in a tiny town with no night life, or got in late and don’t want to leave your hotel again, head down to the lobby bar. The people you’re going to encounter here generally consist of frumpy middle-aged tourist couples, businesspeople, and that special class of drifters who have all sorts of random reasons to be drinking alone at a hotel bar. These people aren’t alone by choice (unlike the loners you see at local bars), but because they don’t know anyone in town. That is opportunity in a nutshell. Plus, you’ve already got a key for a room upstairs…

2. Poolside

Busy pools are breeding grounds for sparking make-out chemistry, especially the kind of pool that offers tequila sunrises with little umbrellas. Everyone’s already scantily clad, so nudity is on the mind. Everyone is in a laid back mood, lounging and relaxing, so a potential mate should be in an approachable mood. Plus, flirting is almost a given – strike up a conversation and play in the pool! Just don’t splash the ladies too much, they might not want to mess up their hair. If you’re with your friends, try working as a team – challenge a group of the opposite sex to a casual game of water polo.

3. Asking Directions

This one can be a long shot, but if you’re charming enough or just plain lucky, it can work out. See a local hottie? Ask for advice. Play up your need of guidance. Slip in that you don’t know what there is to do around here, o you heard the margaritas were great but don’t know where the best spot to get them is. At the worst, you might find a local gem you would have otherwise missed.

4. On the Trail

Hiking is great for making out (if you don’t mind your partner being a little unshaven). Frankly, there’s just not much to do at night except get drunk and make out. Your job is to supply plenty of alcohol – a really persuasive reason for another group of hikers to settle down at your campfire. One way meet potentials is to ensure that you’re making camp for the night at a populated campground, but then you’re making camp at a populated campground, and that’s no fun. A much better plan is to, when you encounter a potential make-out partner, fall into conversation at a scenic overlook. The scenery is ready-made conversation, and it’s easy to swing that around to “maybe I’ll see you tonight, where are you planning to make camp?”

Hipsters also read Vonnegut, but I don't want to sully his good name.

It’s springtime and there’s nothing better to do than go outside and enjoy the great weather before it gets sweltering hot (at least in DC). We already know what hipsters like to wear in the Spring and how they bbq, but they also enjoy hanging out in the park.

Public Drinking/Smoking/Other Substance Abuse

Hipsters love drinking, smoking and other substance abuse. There is no reason that they will discontinue doing any of those things just because they’re hanging out in a park in the springtime. In order to facilitate their public drinking they may go with the brazen ironic hobo paper bag or they may wimp out and just put their booze in a waterbottle or diet coke can.

Reading

Hipsters love to think that they are smarter than everyone else and what better way to prove that they’re smart then by reading a book in the park. You won’t catch a hipster reading Dan Brown’s latest novel, they think that’s for rubes. Instead you’ll see them reading either the latest pretentious book by Jonathan Safran Foer, a book by one of the Beats like Kerouac or Burroughs or a tome by Goethe or Proust.

Photography

Hipsters also like to pretend that they’re “artist.” Hipsters can take pictures of “nature” while in the park without ever having to actually leave the city or get up before noon.

Hating

What better way to enjoy a delightful Spring day then by hating? Hipsters enjoy gathering in the park to hate on all the non-hipsters enjoying the weather.

We’re teaming up with our good friends over at TGRIOnline and co-hosting a party, Friends – A Celebration of 50 Years of Pop Music on June 10th over at Wonderland Ballroom in DC. Our good friends DJ TMY and DJ Cold Case will be spinning the best teen pop music from the past 50 years. In the lead up to the party we’re going to be posting a few entries on things we wish we had known about when we were teenagers.

You’re at the club, event or if you’re a teenager, school dance, and you see someone across the room you know you just have to dance with. How do you go over and ask someone to dance? Whether it’s someone you’ve been crushing on hard for awhile or a complete stranger asking someone to dance is really easy. It’s way less pressure than asking them on a date, there’s no commitment and if they say no there are plenty of other people on the dance floor if you get rejected.

1. Confidence

Confidence is really the key to a lot of things in life, asking someone to dance is no exception. As we’ve told you many, many times awkwardness is the enemy of awesomeness so don’t be awkward. Go up to that lucky lady/dude and ask him/her to dance.

2. Have fun.

If it looks like you’re having a miserable time or hate dancing no one is going to want to dance with you. You don’t have to have any fancy moves, in fact it’s discouraged, but you do have to look like you want to be there.

3. Ask them.

There are a couple of ways you can go about asking someone to dance.

You can simply ask them. We recommend the tried and true “Hey, want to dance?” This generally works for people who aren’t currently dancing and works the best for high school dances.

The other way is to just start dancing with them if you’re both already on the dance floor. Not in the creepy SNL Night at the Roxbury way and no grinding (at least not initially) but simply by making a move and dancing by them. If they want to dance with you they’ll let you know with their body language, if they don’t they’ll turn their back on you and go back to their friends.

4. Don’t linger.

If someone doesn’t want to dance don’t be creepy and linger around them. This will only turn them off further and makes you look like a creep to other people who you may want to dance with. Instead hold your head up high and move on.

Dear Edukatorz,

I can’t drink for the next few months because of a medical condition (and no, it’s not called pregnancy). I hadn’t realized it before, but most of my social life involves going to bars or drinking in some capacity. I don’t want to be the loser who can’t go out to the bar with my friends because I can’t drink, but I also want to have a good time. What is a temporarily non-imbibing person supposed to do with their time?

Dear Sober Sally,

Really? To paraphrase Jermaine Stewart, you don’t have to drink to have a good time. In fact straight edge kids are some of the hardest partiers I know. You can still do everything you do already just sans booze and the new sober perspective might even enhance your evenings. Besides, seeing your friends drunk while you’re sober can be quite amusing. Actually remembering the night before has its benefits and you’ll be the one telling embarrassing stories about your friends and not the other way around.

If you don’t think you can go to a bar without drinking you might want to re-evaluate your relationship with alcohol. Maybe you have an addiction? I would have no clue, but a professional would so get in touch with your local mental health services and they’ll point you in the right direction.

Working in restaurants (or, I imagine, in a number of service-industry roles) allows opportunity to observe society through a different lens than it’s usually seen. I spend some of my time (while not edukating) working in restaurants, and making such observations. Occasionally, I’ll share some useful conclusions put together from these observations.

It might shock you to know that when you’re out on a dinner date, any experienced waiter, bartender, or even bus boy could tell you which date you’re on, whether your date is into you, and whether it’s a good match. Remember: restaurant workers, perforce, watch a ton of dates unfold every night of their lives, so they’ve got a lot of data to go on when placing your date on the dating bell curve. Here are a few of the standard dates, and the clues that tip you off to them. Knowledge is power, and the next time you go on one of these dates you’ll be able to pick up on some of the usual clues. Plus, it’ll be a nice tour guide for people-watching next time you’re hanging out at a restaurant bar with your friends.

The First Date

Nervous, nervous, nervous. Twitchy body language is the name of the game on the first date. Awkward silences, overenthusiastic giggling, and one staring at the other with a slightly glazed expression nodding and saying “uh huh” to the very long explanation of “what do you do for a living?” Posture is always very straight and correct. Each participant closely observes the other for clues; remember these people haven’t been out to dinner with one another yet, so they don’t know how long it takes the other to decide what to eat or whether it’s appropriate to select a bottle of wine or go for a beer.

The “This Is Going Well” Date

A few dates in, these are definitely the most pleasant dates to wait on from a restaurant perspective. Happy, glowing even, these people are legitimately excited to have found someone they get along with so well. They might even be going home together afterward… but they might not know that yet! The talk is ceaseless, and when they aren’t ready to order the third time the waitress comes over they will laugh out loud at themselves. They lean in towards each other and barely notice anything going on around them. One might order a beer, and the other a glass of wine; no big deal.

The Anniversary Date

A month into the relationship, three years in, whichever: this one is always easy to spot. They made an effort to go out for a special occasion, but they aren’t overly excited about it. They are there for dinner, and to spend time with their significant other, but they clearly see this person on an almost daily basis. No one is conversationally tripping over the other to get out a great anecdote they haven’t told before, and they’ll be more observant of what’s going on in the dining room – possibly to find fuel for conversation. Cell phones might even be out on the table. However, they will also be sharing food and possibly holding hands for a portion of the night. A bottle of wine is likely on the table.

The Proposal

This one is almost always sickeningly obvious. If the woman knows (or suspects) she’s in a little black dress, really trying to be glowing, and slightly nervous. If she doesn’t, the disproportionate care the gentleman will be taking to ensure everything goes smoothly will be even more markedly obvious. There’s a good chance he’s warned the restaurant ahead of time, and in that case they’re going to have the most separate, private table available and the females of the wait staff will be keenly watching them. A bottle of champagne is almost a given.

The Creep

The side ho, the affair, whatever. Whether it’s an older, disgustingly fat guy with a paid escort in a tight neon dress or two thirty-year-olds, only one of whom is wearing a ring, these dates are always hilarious. The guy will almost always be paying, and paying cash. A bottle of wine and even some cocktails are guaranteed. They take forever at dinner, since this is the only time they get together (or away from their hated spouses). These are also the dates that involve the most nauseating public displays of affection, since they aren’t getting any at home. They’ll be sitting next to each other at the table, and don’t be surprised if you see the woman with her heels off rubbing the guy’s leg with her foot under the table.