It is with deepest concern that we announce that one of our writers, Beaker, has gone missing while researching for an assignment. She was last seen at a bar on Market Street in San Francisco. Please contact us if you have any further information. Thank you, The Edukatorz Family.
I arrived in San Francisco in the late evening with a suitcase of clothing entirely unsuited to the “summer” temperatures here, a massive hangover from my 3-day stop in Vegas, and an apartment bare of any furniture or internet connection. So I packed my laptop and headed for the nearest bar that advertised wifi and ordered a beer. I soon realized people here are incredibly welcoming and proud of their city; I was immediately adopted by a group of middle-aged ex-frat boy types who insisted I take a shot of Fernet with them.
“What the hell is Fernet?” I asked. They laughed and said if I was going to be living in San Francisco, I would have to find out, and it may as well be sooner than later. I was presented with a shot glass of a near-black liquor that smelled absolutely foul. It was reminiscent of Jager, with some herbal elements, and the consistency of melted tar. It was disgusting. However, these guys turned out to be right – nearly everyone who I meet wants to welcome me to the city with a shot of Fernet. People drink appalling amounts of the stuff. If you simply order a shot, Fernet is the default.
I have no idea why. But I’m going to find out. I’m going to spend the night talking to locals about their love for the stuff. I’m going to research it on the internet. And I’m going to buy a bottle of it and drink it as a scientific experiment. Maybe it gets better the more you drink. Maybe it’s some kind of acquired taste that takes years to develop. Maybe it’s highly addictive and once you have a few shots you have to have more. I intend to find out.
I’ll let you know the results of my research tomorrow. See you on Hangover Saturday. And I guarantee it should be a massive hangover.
Apparently this is booze week at Edukatorz (but really, when isn’t it?). Today we’re going to talk about a specific type of pale lager – Pilsners. Most Americans are probably familiar with pilsners in the form of Budweiser or Miller Lite. Those beers are disgusting and have given pilsners a bad name.
Pilsner is the main type of beer you think of when you think of lagers. Created in Pilzner, Czech Republic (then known as Bohemia in Germany) in the 19th century. Pilsner’s are created when city officials opened up a city brewery and utilized Bavarian brewing techniques and experimented with the new ‘lager’ style of beer. You end up getting a crisp, subtle clean taste and a golden color with this type of brewing technique.
Now-a-days pilsner is distinguished from other lagers by its use of soft spring water and Saaz hops. And they make pilsner all over the world. Technically crappy American beers like Budweiser or Miller Lite originally started off as pilsners, but we try to forget about them. The brands you’re most familiar with are probably Pilsner Urquell, Grolsch, Stella Artois, Bitburg, Beck’s, Yuengling and Pabst Blue Ribbon (beloved by hipsters everywhere).
Last month we showed you ladies how to pick the correct bathing suit, now it’s the men’s turn. Fortunately for men you have it a little easier as there are less choices out there for you*.
Too old-timey.
1) Swim Briefs or Square Leg Suits
Swim briefs, also referred to as Speedos due to the popular brand, do not look good on everyone, neither do square leg suits (think Daniel Craig’s suit in Casino Royale). When deciding whether or not wear one of these suits you have to ask yourself a few questions.
a) Am I a competitive swimmer (with the body to match)?
b) Do I play water polo (and have attending hot body)?
c) Am I European (or Australian)?
d) Am I gay who works out a lot and thus has a hot body?
If you answer yes to any of those questions then you are allowed to wear swim briefs. Otherwise move onto something else.
Daniel Craig can wear a Speedo whenever he wants.
2) Boardshorts
Boardshorts are clearly perfect if you’re going surfing and don’t feel like wearing a wet suit. They’re also good if you want a little more coverage with your swimsuit while you’re lounging about. We also like them because they tend to have pockets. They also look good if you’re a little fleshy because since the length of the short detracts from your chest and stomach. Just try not to get too crazy with the design on your boardshorts, you don’t want to look like an Ed Hardy or Affliction model.
Gross! Just say no to Ed Hardy.
3) Swim Trunks
The old standby. They come in a variety of lengths and colors so you should be able to find the perfect swimsuit for you. Just try not to make it too short. We think a mid-thigh level swim trunk in a neutral color tends to look good on most people. It’s classic and sophisticated.
We like. Image via GQ.
*Clearly we’re focused on beach wear or pool wear and not suits for fitness.
So, I know I’m supposed to be writing about food, but tonight is “Taco Night” at my house. The last time we had Taco Night, we had to address the question that vexes hosts and hostesses everywhere:
What kind of wine should we have with it?
Now, I know there are about 8 million rules for pairing wine. No red with fish! The moon is in Saturn, you cannot drink Beaujolais! Chardonnay is great with everything!*
I am here to tell you to ignore them all, for two important reasons. The first is that like most drinking, it’s about enjoyment. If you want to drink a zinfandel with your American cheese and saltines for dinner, and it makes you happy, by all means, proceed (Personally, I’d question your desire to use American cheese for anything other than melting on a burger, but that’s just me.)
The second is that there are really only 2 basic rules for wine drinking, along with a third that while not mandatory, I find extremely useful. Here they are:
1) Mix.
2) Match.
3) When in doubt, sparkle.
Allow me to explain.
1) For optimal enjoyment, your wine can mix well with your food, or match it by echoing some of the flavors. In the case of taco night, we like to mix. Spicy food demands something sweet to help tame the spice. In the case of taco night, this means a riesling. Having some salmon with lemon? Cut the rich flavor it with a crisp pinot gris. As with many things in life, balance is key.
2) Onto matching! By matching, what I really means is select a wine that echoes the flavors in your food. Having some tilapia** for dinner? Grab a bottle that echoes those clean flavors- maybe a nice sauvignon blanc? Pulling a nice NY Strip off the grill? Go for a Shiraz, or another bold, slightly spicy wine.
3) When I worked at a wine bar, we were taught to open champagne bottles silently. That is lame and completely kills the sense of celebration. My mom needed no other excuse than “it’s Tuesday, and I’d like something to drink with my popcorn” to open a bottle of champagne. You don’t either. When in doubt, it is my deeply held belief that you absolutely cannot go wrong with a bottle of sparkling wine. If you want to get really fancy, you can use the above two rules when selecting, or you can just pick up a bottle, pop it open, and watch people instantly smile.
I’m sure you’re also wondering how you’re supposed to determine which wines are spicy or minerally or sweet or what have you. Head over to your local wine store (here in DC, I especially love Ansonia Wines; AM Wine Shoppe and Cork Market are both good as well) and see what tastings they have. Talk to the people in the store. If they’re assholes, find another store. People who truly love wine are often all too happy to share their knowledge and recommendations with you.
And that’s it. Taste, taste, taste, mix or match, and when in doubt, get something sparkling. You’ll be amazed how far those rules will take you.
*- I hate Chardonnay with a passion that I usually reserve for…actually, nope, only chardonnay inspires that level of hatred
We’ve gone over the basics of lagers, ales and stouts so now it’s time to dive a little deeper into the specifics of each type of beer. Today we’re going to focus on pale ales.
Pale ale originated in the dour country of England around the 18th century. British brewers wanted a “paler” ale so they used coke (no, not that kind, this kind is made from coal) instead of wood to roast the barley for fermentation. They discovered that the wood would burn the barley, while the coke would evenly roast it creating a pale beer during fermentation.
Pale ales have gotten a reputation as being bitter, though not all of them are. They range from smooth and crisp to super bitter.
Burton Pale Ale
This is the original real deal type of pale ale. When British brewers discovered how to make pale ale they did it in Burton-on-Trent, England. This particular type of pale ale is malty and balanced with a smooth aroma. Burton pale ale’s get their distinctive taste from the gympsum in the local water that brought out the taste of the hops. They clearly had a monopoly on this taste until a chemist came up with a process called Burtonisation that adds sulphates to the water to bring out the hops taste. Pale ales are now made pretty universally with water that has been through the Burtonisation process. The most famous Burton Pale Ale is Bass which is easily obtained in the US of A.
Bitter
Bitter beer came about when 19th Century drinkers in England started referring to pale ale as bitters to distinguish it from other beers with a distinctive hop taste. British brewers then started categorizing bitters as session (or ordinary), best (or regular), and premium (or strong or extra strong). These beers range from either a lower alcohol content of around 4.1% for session bitters to 4.8% and above for premium bitters. Though bitter, these types of beer isn’t very hoppy, but tends to taste maltier. We recommend checking out Young’s Bitter or Fuller’s ESB if you want to try some of this style out.
Indian Pale Ales
Indian pale ales were developed by the British in order to survive the trip from England to India. The beer had to stay in its casks for a very long time sans refrigeration so in order to preserve it the British added extra hops to it. This style of pale ale is distinctively hoppy. We recommend trying out Dogfish Head’s 60 Minute IPA if you’ve never had IPA and work your way up from there.
American Pale Ales
American pale ales tend to be cleaner and hoppier then their British cousins. There is a wide variety of different types of pale ales out there, but all of their flavors tend to focus on the citrusy quality of American hops. We recommend trying out Sierra Nevada’s Pale Ale or Flying Dog’s Classic Pale Ale if you want to try this variety.
Dental floss is great. We keep it around in case we get food stuck in our teeth (and so that we can tell the dentist that we floss everyday), but it is super useful outside of your mouth as well.
1) In the Kitchen
Dental floss is super useful in the kitchen, just make sure you have plain floss instead of mint floss. It’s super useful as a slicer – use it to slice soft cheese, cake or anything that needs to be sliced but needs a delicate touch. Floss is also a good substitute for kitchen string and can be used to tie up meats that are about to be roasted.
2) In the Garden
If you’re industrious and have a yard you may have a garden and should therefore be growing tomatoes. (Why wouldn’t you grow tomatoes? Tomatoes are delicious). Instead of getting a tomato cage or wire simply use dental floss to support the stalks. Get an old hanger from the dry cleaners, bend it straight and tie the tomato to the wire using the floss. Ta da, your tomatoes will stand up straight. If you’re nervous one wire isn’t enough, just use another one on the other side for extra support.
3) For Your Laundry
Some items of clothing clearly should not be put in the dryer. Besides it’s better for the environment to air dry your clothing once in awhile. If you have limited space and no clothing line we recommend putting up some floss. Simply double it over and make a clothing line out of the floss. Dental floss is surprisingly resilient so it’ll support at the very least your delicate.
A guest column by LeninsTomb, co-editor of our friend-site TGRIOnline.com.
The Edukatorz are all about making out, bringing you a weekly column on the whos, wheres and hows of making out. Each column is a treasure chest of great advice – but with the key of having even a modicum of game. But what about readers without game? Either rusty after a long relationship or burned by a series of bad ones, many are left without the simple, time-tested methods of making out.
Fret not, gameless readers. I present: the Slow Game Method. Not to be confused with pick-up artist gimmicks like negs and peacocking, slow game is exactly what it sounds like: a deliberate approach to finding a make out partner (and maybe more). Let’s go over the basics.
1. Finding a potential make out partner
Simple enough – find your target. Someone you’re attracted to and have stuff in common with, but for some reason, neither of you are likely to pull the trigger just yet.
2. Be patient
It’s called slow game. Don’t rush it. Slow game takes weeks or months (true story). Like a slow cooker, the slow game uses a consistent, low-heat approach. Insert meat joke here.
3. Put yourself in the right context
Slow game requires you to be a part of your target’s life, over a period of time, in a non-make out context. Still, that doesn’t mean you should fast track yourself to the friend zone. Guys: dance parties with groups of friends that include your target are good – shopping for shoes with them is not. Be flirty and friendly, and don’t get pigeonholed by being the “nice guy.”
4. Timing is everything
Time solves everything. If you’re around someone in the right context for long enough, you just may start to look like a potential make out partner. If you start getting those good vibrations, take your shot. After all the time you’ve invested, you have no excuse not to go for it.
LeninsTomb writes about music and culture at TGRIOnline and ponders matters of life and death on Twitter as @LeninsTomb.
Editor’s note: Dr. Bunsen Honeydew can testify to the effectiveness of this method.
Cut. It. Out.
Dave Coulier and awesome are not two words you’d normally put together. He’s no Bob Saget or John Stamos, but Dave Coulier is probably more awesome than you think (though not that awesome).
1) Get Yourself on a Hit Show
No one would have ever heard of Dave Coulier if it wasn’t for Full House. Get onto a family-friendly long running iconic television show and you’re much closer to being awesome.
2) Date Singer-Songwriters
Fun fact: Dave Coulier dated Alanis Morisette and was the inspiration for her song “You Outta Know.” Think about what would’ve happened if Dave Coulier hadn’t of dated the Canadian songstress? We may never have had Jagged Little Pill. Dave’s 15 years older than Alanis Morisette and they started dating when she was 19. Well done Dave.
3) Make Bank off of Kids
Yeah, so Dave makes bank off of kids, he has his own children’s entertainment production company, stars in cartoons and children’s live action shows and has a ‘family friendly’ comedy touring group. So he makes a living being clean and appealing to ankle-biters, not that awesome, but money is awesome.
Every woman should make sure she’s strapped with a plentiful supply of bobby pins at all times, obviously, since they’re tiny and useful for on-the-fly hair adjustments. They’re especially great on the walk of shame, because while throwing your hair in a ponytail is effective at getting it out of your face, it’s completely useless for disguising the fact that you didn’t sleep at home (for more pro tips on the walk of shame, check this out).
However, bobby pins are useful for a whole lot more than just hair, and the guys out there might want to grab a couple from your girlfriend in case you need them for anything else.
First off, for the potheads or for the grandfathers smoking pipes out there, bobby pins are great for cleaning pipes. Also, for that matter, anything else with a small opening you need to get dust out of or for clearing drains with small holes or bottle tops that are clogged or whatever else needs cleaning.
There’s of course the obvious lock-picking bobby pin technique. Surprisingly, this isn’t all that effective with some bobby pins, since they’re usually tipped with rubber and can be too thick on the ends for much use as lockpicks. That rubber end means you can poke electrical things potentially without electrocuting yourself, but please, be careful.
Finally, bobby pins can substitute in some situations for paper clips or safety pins. They’re pretty useful for just holding lots of stuff – papers, clothing, watchbands – and you’d be surprised how many uses you find for bobby pins if you keep them around.