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Spring fever and love (or just lust) is in the air and hipsters are no exception. While we get down to the basics for everyone else here on Edukatorz with Make Out Mondays, hipsters have their own unique mating habits. When observing hipsters in the wild you’ll notice that hipsters pair (or more) off in ways that would not work for the world at large.

First thing’s first, hipsters don’t date. Dating implies commitment and hipsters can’t commit to anything. Instead of dating they just “hang out”.

Hanging out implies any situation where the two people in question are interacting. This includes seeing someone at a club, running into them at a coffee shop or bumping into them at the bar. To hang out with someone does not necessarily mean to hang out with said person exclusively or intentionally.

As a hipster starts to court his/her mate the hanging out will progress to a point where it seems like they’re going on a date, but there is no firm commitment and said “date” may or may not happen. For example a hipster may ask someone to go to a concert with him/her with no overt romantic intentions while romance is implied. Hipsters can’t handle rejection at all so by not actually asking someone out on a date they are saving themselves from possible rejection.

As the “relationship” progresses the two people will hang out more and more to the point that you will see them together all the time. The two people will at that point cease having casual sex* with others as they had before and be somewhat monogamous.

You know a hipster “relationship” is real when the two individuals begin participating in each others art forms. This includes mixing beats together, taking pictures together, posing for each other’s paintings, etc.

* A note on sexual relations. Hipsters generally either “hook-up” with random friends that they are hanging out with or go through the above dance when pursuing a “relationship.” The ultimate purpose of a “relationship” for hipsters is not just sexual fulfillment since most hipsters end up getting their fair share of casual sex via social lubricants, but psychic fulfillment as well (yes hipsters are human too). The hipster “hook-up” culture is rife with internal politics and will be discussed at a later date.

Now that we’ve taught you how to dress appropriately for a hipster spring, aspiring hipsters will surely be wondering what to do with themselves in this fine weather. While hipsters generally claim to be allergic to sunlight, this is not strictly true. The hipster barbeque is a quintessential springtime activity, just be sure to wear your sunglasses and adopt an appropriate air of lethargy.

Choose the Right Beer

Budweiser, Bud Light, Miller and so on are far too fratty for a hipster. If you actually like beer, microbrews are a must. The more obscure, the better – just make sure you’ve read about them in the NY Times food section and can give a snobby lecture on it. However, the obvious choice for mass consumption is PBR, or the local cheap alternative (Natty Boh in Baltimore, Iron City in Pittsburgh, Yuengling across the mid-Atlantic, etc).

Music is a Must

While it’s tempting to bring your ironic 80s cassette-only boom box, the other hipsters don’t have tapes. Try to get an iPod speaker set up so that everyone can participate in one-upping each other on the obscurity of their music. If you aren’t sure what sort of thing you should being to look impressive, check out this guest post from Sam Chase that gives an overview of hipster music.

Location, Location, Location

Backyards are fine as far as they go, but you can’t be seen in a backyard, and you can’t tweet about how awesome you are for barbequing in one. A much better option is to find a visible front porch in a very cool neighborhood, an abandoned parking lot, or just a street corner somewhere.

What Do Hipsters Eat?

Well, cocaine, obviously, but you can’t exactly grill that. Because you will probably have a lot of vegans and vegetarians and such, make sure you’ve got plenty of grillable veggies (peppers, asparagus, maybe even some tofu). Gourmet chicken sausages are a good look and can be sufficiently snobby. Burgers might be too all-American for some of your hipster friends, so you might opt for some steaks. Luckily, most hipsters foodie credentials are seriously questionable, so you can get away with a grass-fed Porterhouse for yourself and whatever’s on sale for everyone else (just tell them it’s organic and they’ll love it).

Hipster Friday: Hipster Spring Fashion

Winter is but a memory over here on the East Coast and that means that everyone is crawling out of their caves, this includes the vampire-like hipsters. While we’ve already covered jorts, there are a few other key parts of the hipster ensemble.

V-Neck T-Shirts

Hipsters love them some V-neck t-shirts, especially hipster males, this is possibly to show off their chest hair. It also separates them from the Chads of the World when they’re not wearing a polo shirt or crew cut tee.

Sunglasses

Hipsters love sunglasses and now that it’s sunny out they actually have a reason to wear them. As our presentation covered before, hipsters prefer aviators or wayfarers. The bigger/more colorful the sunglasses the better since the sunglasses act as a way to attract attention to themselves.

A hat AND ridiculous sunglasses, kinda lame.

Hats

Hipsters love hats, they’re quirky and they have the added benefit of shielding their pasty face from the sun.* This season hipsters are wearing a fedoras. While fedoras look sharp (and can even look sharp on a hipster), they do not always look as fetching on a hipster due to the hipsters general scruffiness.

Sundresses

Yes, the hipster female will in fact wear a dress when she can’t wear her jorts. To distinguish herself from Becky, the hipster female will find a dress that is either from a thrift store or that looks distressed; that is either too long or too short; and is either monochromatic or heavily patterned.

*Obviously they do not use hats for that purpose.

The Edukatorz have heard smoking is bad for you, so you know, don’t do it. But if you’re going to do it anyway and aspire to be a hipster, we’ve got you. Since everyone smokes to look cool, and hipsters do nothing but try to look cool, it is obviously of paramount importance that you smoke the right way to be a hipster, so tread carefully. You have a lot of options, but you really don’t want to fuck this one up.

Roll Your Own

Rolling your own cigarettes is the pinnacle of hipster smoking cool. It’s a combination effect of DIY-chic, irony, and pseudo-poor-chic.

Avoid Menthol

Menthol is too “urban” (read: black) or trailer park (read: white trash) even for most hipsters. However, if you must smoke menthol, Salem is the safest route.

Smoke Awful Brands

Again on the irony and pseudo-poor tip, smoking blue collar brands is always a good look. Basics, Viceroys and Pall Malls really get the right look for this one.

Pure Irony

Old lady cigarettes are also acceptable, for the irony factor. Capris, Kents, and Benson and Hedges work for this. Virginia Slims are pushing it, but if you really want to go over-the-top and wear a LOT of neon, you might be able to pull it off.

Snob Cigs

You can also go full-on snobby. This works because it encapsulates the hipster ideal of “I’m-better-than-you” nicely. If that’s the look you want to go for, try Dunhills or Nat Shermans.

Spring is upon us (shut-up Vernal Equinox) and that means shorts weather. While Becky and Chad are taking out their khaki shorts and popping their polo shirts, hipsters are already prepared with their jorts. Jorts, aka jean shorts for those not in the know, are the only type of short self-respecting hipsters will wear.

Though it was once popular way back in the 1990s to wear long jorts (even down to your knees!), hipsters will only wear short jorts – this applies to both male and female hipsters. Female hipsters never call their jorts “Daisy Dukes” even if they actually are short enough to be “Daisy Dukes.”

These are hipsters in jorts.

While one can buy jorts, the proper hipster way to wear jorts is to make them yourself. If you too want to make your own jorts follow the instructions below and your legs will be feeling the sweet breeze of freedom in no time.

How To Make Jorts

1. Take a pair of old jeans you’ve either ruined or bought at the thrift store, preferably really skinny jeans and turn them inside out.

2. Take a marker and draw on the jeans where you are going to cut them. Make sure they’re as short as you’re comfortable with and then maybe make them a little shorter.

3. Following the lines you drew with your marker cut the legs off of your jeans. Try to get the edges as frayed as possible.

4. Turn them right side out and make sure the shorts are even. If they aren’t cut them a little shorter. Try them on, you now have jorts.

Hipster hair, in all its distinctive forms, takes some serious maintenance. You can’t look like that without careful application of product – but what products? Most of the rest of us wouldn’t even know where to start. So, here’s an intro guide into what products you need to get that hipster hair.

Grease
Natural grease is the most important styling product for a hipster, since they don’t shower. How else do you think the asymmetrical emo hair stays so plastered to their face?

Mustache Wax
While you already know the Edukatorz’ feelings on mustaches, if you are going to continue to rock one anyway, please maintain it properly. Trimming your facial hair is only one half of the equation.

Hairspray
You can’t have 80s hair or rats’ nests without a massive can of full-strength hairspray. If you are going for this look, make sure you’ve got a mini-can in your purse for touch-ups later. No one likes it when 80s hair goes flat.

Gel
If you want to go the faux-hawk route or actually like to shower and still want to rock emo hair, you should get some gel. While there are all sorts of pomades and that sort of thing, if you stick to gel you get to buy a giant bottle of LA Looks, and nothing is more hipster-ironic their absurdly outdated 80s-style logo.

We Edukatorz sympathize with the plight of the hipster. Too often are they scorned and mocked by those non-hipsters (read: everyone else) out there. Fortunately the Edukatorz have developed a hipster sensitivity training course. Follow the below steps and you too will learn to become more sensitive to the plight of the hipster.

1) Be understanding of their mood swings and feelings.

Hipsters are notorious for their mood swings and for being mopey. While mood swings in general are annoying just go with the flow (unless it’s serious, like bi-polar disorder or depression, then try to get them help). As a result they are notoriously late/flakey for everything so just expect it since it won’t change no matter what you say. Hipsters believe they are unique flowers so try not to say anything too disparaging to them or any hint of criticism, they will lash out or cry and you don’t want to deal with that.

2) Be supportive of their creative endeavors.

Do not mock their creative endeavors whatever you do. Whether they are a “DJ”, “painter”, “graffiti artist”, “blogger”, “writer”, “photographer”, “guitarist” etc. don’t make fun of them for pursuing their creative endeavor or make fun of their art. It’s generally a dick move anyway to make fun of someone for pursuing their passions (or in a hipsters case – something that makes them look “cool”). An important part of hipster identity is being associated with being “creative” so making fun of their creative endeavors is tantamount to an assault on their identity. Also, don’t make fun of their art/music, etc. even if it’s REALLY bad (well, at least to their face), it’s poor manners anyway. Hipsters also do not take legit criticism very well so it’s best to keep it to yourself.

3) Learn to appreciate their fashion sense.

Learn to appreciate their unique fashion sense. Yes, they may look ridiculous to the rest of us, but do not tell them they look like they’re homeless or a prostitute, this is not nice. Do not make fun of them for wearing thick frame glasses when they have 20/20 vision and don’t make fun of their too skinny jeans. Hipsters show that they don’t care about what people think about them by going to extraordinary measures to look different. Of course they secretly do care what people think and will be hurt if you openly mock their clothing. Save the jokes for later.

4) Do not point out hypocrisy or flaws in their logic.

Hipsters aren’t very good with the whole “logic” or “consistency” thing so it’s best not to point them out, especially since hipsters will take it as criticism and we all know they don’t deal well with that. So instead of getting into an argument with that vegan hipster cutie who wears a leather biker jacket just nod your head and go with the flow.

See, you can have a well maintained grizzly beard. Sigh, we wish hipsters looked like Jon Hamm.

While it’s still ridiculously cold here on the East Coast, many men, particularly hipsters have opted to grow a beard. While the Edukatorz fully approve of men with beards (but not mustaches), we only approve of them if they are properly maintained. As we all know, hipsters are not really into the whole personal grooming thing, but if they want to look more erudite than they actually are and pick up chicks they’re going to have to maintain their beard. It’s doable no matter how ridiculous you choose to make your facial hair.

First thing’s first is make sure you can properly grow a beard in the first place. Little patches of hair on your face does not qualify as a beard. If that’s all you’re capable of growing, give it up, you will never have a full beard. Instead opt for the clean shaven look or cultivate some mild stubble.

If you are one of the fortunate who can grow a full beard make sure it looks good. The main thing you need to remember to do is to keep your beard clean and free of crumbs etc. That’s super gross leaving food in your beard. Make sure to properly wipe your chin area to make sure no food attached itself to your facial hair. You’re not saving it for later and you don’t want to attract birds.

You’ll need to invest in a proper beard trimmer. While this does cost money and would take away from spending money on partying/art/whatever else hipsters spend their money on, it’s a good investment. Not only will you be able to keep your beard even, but it’ll also help you shape your beard into whatever weird shapes you desire if the full beard isn’t doing it for you.

Whether it be anchor tattoos, yacht rock and now parties on actual boats, hipsters love them some some nautical themes. It is unclear why hipsters are so enthralled with nautical themes. Perhaps the emptiness of the vast ocean is a metaphor for their empty existence, or, more likely, they just think it looks cool (hipsters are not that self-reflective even if they play like they are).

Hipster boat/yacht rock parties are the perfect type of hipster party. They combine ridiculous outfits, old “not cool” music with an “alt” twist on a rich persons activity (boating). All of these parties have a few things in common.

Dressing Up

Where do you even get a captains hat? And note the "ironic" Miller Lite necklace.

One of the whole points of a boat/yacht rock party, etc. It is imperative that when attending a hipster boat/yacht rock party, etc. that one dress up lest you look like the Becky or Chad* who didn’t want to get in on the fun. Acceptable forms of dressing up include Captains hats, eye patches, boat shoes, blue and white stripped shirts/sweaters, collared shirts etc. You don’t want to roll in like a pirate though, that’d be a little weird, it’s a boat/yacht rock party not a pirate party, save that for your Pirates of the Carribean cosplay.

Venue

Ideally you’ll have your venue on a boat, but that can’t always be the case. If there’s no boat available for hipsters to hang out at (or if other people on the marina don’t want that element) one must decorate the party venue with nautical themes. This is one time it’s ok for hipsters to decorate their party.

Booze

It’s a hipster party, clearly there will be booze. Nautical themed booze are in order, usually made with some sort of rum. Of course this will eventually devolve and everyone will be drinking PBR by the end of the night.

Music

Yacht rock is clearly in order for any party with a nautical theme. Put on some smooth tunes like Michael McDonald or Hall and Oates and you’re good to go. I guess seafaring shanties or pirate jigs are also acceptable, but that’s getting too close to a pirate party which is not the point at all.

I dare you to not like them!

*Oddly enough, dressing like a Becky or Chad (or more likely their parents) would be totally appropriate for this type of party.

Hipsters like Valentine’s Day just as much as anyone else does. That is to say, they either love it or hate it. However, as we all know, hipsters have their own way of doing things, often just to be contradictory. So, here’s how to do it if that special someone (or that lack of special someone) in your life is a hipster.

DIY gifts

Hipsters love do-it-yourself craft projects. It makes them feel artsy. Therefore, you’re gonna want to skip the Hallmark aisle and go old-school style (or elementary-school style) with a construction paper heart card. Threadbanger has some ideas about DIY Valentine’s Day crafts for you here.

Make your own dinner

Hipsters love an amateur cook. The same rule applies to Brooklyn butchers as to the home cook: the more authentic and complicated-sounding the dish, the better. Think slow food, organic, and possibly vegan if you’re one of those.

Cassoulet gets mad meat-eater cred… if you don’t dry it out.

Don’t kill a plant!

There’s lots of crossover between hippies and hipsters as far as green politics is concerned, so, if you’re thinking of getting your lady a bouquet, you might want to go straight for a live plant. You don’t want to risk that look of horror when she realizes you’ve killed something for her! Besides, live plants last a lot longer.

Art!

Hipsters love art. Be cheap and write your honey a poem, an ironic love song, or go all-out, get some body paint, and do art all over each other.

Anti-Valentine’s day parties

Whether you have a date or not, the anti-Valentine’s DJ party or emo band lineup is a “counter-culture” affair that’s become quite harmless and mainstream. Keep up your bitter hipster vibe at one of the multitudes of these available all weekend!

And hipster dudes, never forget, shaving your mustache is the best present you can give your lady.