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March Madness is in full effect, but don’t forget that baseball season starts this Sunday! America’s pastime, baseball has become an important cultural reference-point through the years. I’m not talking about the larger-than-life heroes it’s produced, iconic stadiums, rivalries, or childhood memories across the nation. This is Makeout Monday, and I’m talking about the bases of sex.

Sure, it might not be quite as cool to tell your friends you got to second with a girl as it was when you were in the seventh grade, but given that last week we discussed the definition of “sex,” we think it’s good to review this all-American metric of what, exactly, you think you’re doing in the bedroom.*

Strikeout
You see a hottie at the bar, and decide to approach the plate. You introduce yourself and receive an ice cold stare of a fastball in return. Swiiiiiing… and a miss! Strike one. You find a mutual friend and ask for the introduction and get a curveball: your hottie’s engaged. Strike two! You decide to drink three shots to feel better about it and drunkenly text your ex to see if s/he wants to hook up. Yeah, that’s not getting a response. Strike three! You’re going home alone tonight.

First Base
The first step in the quest to score. The tongue-kiss. While you’re on deck, read up on how to kiss a girl in this guest post from Max. When you’re warmed up, knock the dirt off your cleats and get into position. First base should be easy: look for the intentional walk. But if you’re up against an ace, be ready crack a grounder to shortstop and run right into the kiss while she’s looking the other way.

Second Base
The double… as in two boobies. Standing at first, you slowly creep your way off the base, ready to steal second. But wait! The pitcher turns quickly and flings the ball to the first baseman, and you have to dive for it if you even want to stay at first. Yeah, you pushed it, and you got mud all over your uniform, but if the Ump says you’re safe you’re still good. Patience is a virtue. Anddddd on the doorstep after a drunken second date, there’s a line drive down the first base line and you jog straight into second. What started with a nice kiss turns into some lustful under-the-clothes above-the-belt action.

Third Base
And it’s going… going… and bounces off the right field wall, you’re held at third. Third base is a tricky one. Over-the-clothes crotch rubbing? Not quite there yet… that’s being stuck in a pickle between second and third. Hand job? Fingerbang? Yep. Persistence is the name of the game now – you’re so close to home you can smell it on your fingers in the morning.

Home Run
Feeling good today, you’ve been on a streak. Your batting .500 and are eight for ten this season against your opponent- errr… makeout buddy. This is it! You step into the box, stare deeply into the eyes of the pitcher, and CRACK! It’s going… you round first… going…. rip off a shirt and run right over second…. going… ripping off your pants without tripping over them, you round third with style AND IT’S OUTTA THE PARK! HOME RUN! Grab that rubber, jump on that plate, and go high-five your teammates.

*Also, Beaker is one of those unstable baseball fanatics of the Boston persuasion, and isn’t thinking about much else this week.

The Edukatorz (while of course promoting responsibility and disgusted by drunk driving) are fans of alcohol in general. As far as we are concerned, whiskey is the best of the liquors. However, it is often sadly misunderstood. Therefore, over the next few weeks, we are going to edukate the masses on the complexities of this glorious drink and discuss the different types of whiskey.

Bourbon is the quintessential American whiskey. The Edukatorz love bourbon, and can be relied on to have a bottle of Knob Creek or Bulleit on their shelves. At its most basic, bourbon is a whiskey distilled from corn and aged in charred oak casks.

Legally Speaking…
…bourbon was recognized by Congress in 1964 as a “distinctive product of the United States.” They outlined certain legal requirements to labeling a product “bourbon.” A bourbon must:

-Be made of a grain mixture that is at least 51% corn
-Be distilled to no more than 80% alcohol by volume (US 160 proof)
-May not be bottled at less than 40% alcohol by volume (US 80 proof)
-Contain no caramel coloring
-Be aged in new charred oak barrels
-May not be entered into the barrel at higher than 62.5% alcohol by volume (US 125 proof)

Further, if
-It meets the above requirements and is aged for a minimum of two years it may be labeled “straight bourbon”
-It is aged for less than four years, it must be labeled with the duration of its aging
-An age is stated on the bottle, it must be the age of the youngest whiskey in the bottle

Typical Production
The normal grain mixture (mash) for bourbon is 70% corn, with the rest being made up of barley, wheat, and/or rye. Usually the distiller will use a sour mash to begin fermentation. Now pay attention, there will be a test (or at the very least this will come up again as we discuss other types of whiskey): mash is whatever grain you’re fermenting to make your whiskey, and sour mash is when you use mash to start a fermentation that’s already been used in a previous batch. This helps to keep your whiskey consistent (in terms of pH levels, etc.) through different batches.

What you get after the mash is fermented is a clear spirit between 65% and 80% alcohol by volume. The distiller takes this mix and dumps it into the new charred oak barrels we mentioned earlier, and the bourbon picks up its color and a lot of its flavor from the oak. That’s why the older (aged longer) the bourbon, the darker the color.

After it’s taken from the barrels, bourbon is generally diluted with water to the appropriate alcohol by volume and shipped to the shelves at your corner store.

History
Bourbon is a uniquely American liquor. It derives its name from Bourbon County, Kentucky, and to this day most bourbon comes from Kentucky (although, paradoxically, not from Bourbon County itself).

There are conflicting stories and legends about the origins of bourbon. Some names attributed with the “invention” of bourbon are Rev. Elijah Craig (yeah, a Baptist minister… we like that one), George Thorpe, and Jacob Spears. The “inventor” of bourbon is kind of a moot point as far as the Edukatorz are concerned, however. It was a distillation style that took a couple hundred years to solidify, and it doesn’t really matter who called it bourbon first. The credit actually lies with Scottish, Scots-Irish, and others who settled in what would become Kentucky and started farming corn. There was way too much corn to be eaten, and corn wasn’t easy to ship in those days, so they (quite logically) made it into whiskey.

What You Should Be Drinking
There are a lot of good bourbons out there. As we mentioned previously, the Edukatorz generally keep Knob Creek and Bulleit as their table bourbon (yeah, we have table bourbon, what?). Woodford Reserve also makes some really good bourbon. Maker’s Mark, while popular, is overrated in our opinion. It’s perfectly acceptable if that’s the only one the bar has, though, which is too often the case. Jim Beam is appallingly bad and not to be drunk if you are over 21 years of age. Wild Turkey 101 proof is the drink of choice if you want to drink your problems away, because it is deceptively easy to drink and you will forget how many shots you had.

Perfect Manhattan
An Edukatorz’s cocktail of choice, the Manhattan is the old-school classy way to drink bourbon. While having your drinks “up” as opposed to on the rocks is (in the Edukatorz’s opinion) a waste of money and a risk to your clothing, the Manhattan is an exception because once stirred (or shaken, if you like weak drinks), it’s at a perfect dilution.

2 oz. bourbon (a Rob Roy is a Manhattan made with Scotch instead)
1/2 oz. sweet vermouth
1/2 oz. dry vermouth
Dash of bitters

Stir, pour into chilled martini glass, enjoy.

While I spend a lot of my time edukating, I also spend some of it working as a waitress. While at work, I become even more bitter and jaded than usual, and spend much of my time in the back wait station bitching about my customers. These rants usually end with the questions “What is wrong with these people?” It occurred to me that maybe they’re just ignorant, so I decided to use my bitterness for the good of society and will periodically be posting pieces about restaurants for non-restaurant-types (also known as “civilians” or “normals.”) For example, did you know that a wait station is where your waiters get things like water and silverware? See, edukating already. Go me.

First off, the front of the house refers to the dining room (as opposed to the back of the house, which is the kitchen). You, as a customer, only deal with the front of the house, so we’ll worry about that today.

The basic outline of jobs in the front of the house is as follows:

Host(ess)
The host is the first person you see when you walk in. In charge of answering the phone, managing reservations, greeting people, and seating them, the host has a pretty underrated job. You try explaining to the angry couple that they can’t have the 4-top (a table that seats 4) that’s unoccupied behind you because you need it for, you know, a party of four. Or telling people they need to wait at the door. Or that you’re booked until 9 p.m. The host’s job usually devolves into spending an entire shift deflecting anger. It can get stressful.

Food Runner
The food runner is actually a hybrid back/front of the house employee. This is the person that runs (often literally, if it’s busy) your food from the kitchen to the dining room. Sometimes he might actually serve the food, depending on how the restaurant is set up.

Waiter
The waiter’s job varies a lot depending on how formal the restaurant is. The one job the waiter always has is taking the table’s order and explaining the menu to the guests. In more casual dining, they will also fetch and refill drinks, serve food (sometimes even getting it from the kitchen, if there’s no food runner), clearing (or “bussing”) and resetting tables between courses, and making sure their station is clean. A waiter’s station or section is how you refer to the tables the waiter is in charge of – this can range from 2 to 10 tables, again, usually depending on how formal the restaurant is. Waiters are very twisted people who are subject to a lot of abuse by the customers, let alone physical abuse from running around, yet for some reason keep doing  it.  Probably something wrong with the chemical balance in their brains.

Back Waiter
A job that only exists in more formal restaurants, a back waiter will take over duties like fetching and refilling drinks, resetting between courses, cleaning up stations during service, getting bread, etc. A back waiter is usually helping one specific waiter, and is usually running. Literally. Speed is of the essence for these guys.

Busboy
A busboy is like a back waiter for the whole restaurant. In casual and moderate restaurants, the busboy refills water, clears dishes, and resets tables between groups. Another physically demanding job, speed is of the essence for these guys too, plus they’re often carrying tubs of dirty dishes that can weigh a LOT.

Bartender
The bartender is, you know, in charge of the bar. Not only does the bartender have to be expert in all the food, since he’s usually serving dinner at the bar too, he’s got to know everything about all the wines and beer and mix all the cocktails – so it’s no surprise that he’s usually the highest-paid tipped employee. Restaurant bars don’t just serve customers sitting at the bar, though – when a waiter takes your drink order and enters it in the computer, a ticket pops up at the bar (just like the food ticket in the kitchen) with all the drinks on it and the table number* they’re going to. Then the bartender makes all the drinks and leaves them at the “service” bar – the part of the bar set aside for holding drinks going to the dining room.

Floor Manager
The floor manager oversees pretty much all of this. If any guests have a problem, the floor manager deals with it. During the shift, the floor manager will often help seat people at peak busy times, check in with different tables and regular customers to make sure everyone’s happy, and help explain the wines to customers in less formal restaurants where the waiter is not necessarily an expert (sometimes there’s a different whole job for that – the sommelier, or wine expert, who’ s in charge of the wine list). The floor manager is usually in charge of staffing the front of the house and scheduling them, as well as collecting all the money at the end of the night, which is the driving force and central focus of everyone in a restaurant .

Hopefully that’ll give all you non-restaurant types an idea who all those really busy-looking people running around are the next time you eat out. And I’ll let you know how to act toward them tomorrow in “how to get good service in sit-down dining.”

*For the really really ignorant, all the tables in a restaurant are labeled with numbers. That’s how different employees know which table someone is talking about. There are also position numbers in a lot of restaurants – starting with the guest closest to the door and working around the table to the left, each guest has a number too. Therefore when a waiter tells a back waiter “position 1 on table 3 is missing a fork,” the back waiter knows who exactly to give a fork to.

Well, we hope you survived Snowmageddon, Mid-Atlantic region. We actually had a lot of fun playing football at the Washington Monument, sledding down Capitol Hill, and snowball fighting at Lincoln Park. And drinking a lot of beer, of course. This entertainment got us thinking, though, how does one go about getting someone to make out during a snowstorm? If you already have someone, we got that covered. But much more difficult is hitting on a stranger in a blizzard. But no challenge is too great for the Edukatorz, and we’ve thought this one through for you just in time for tomorrow’s predicted 5 MORE INCHES in DC!

At the Grocery Store

It’s always a good idea to stock up on groceries before a snowstorm, or at least towards the beginning before it accumulates too much, because you might be stuck car-less (and in DC, metro-less) for a while. Even if you’re lucky enough to live close enough to the store to walk, walking groceries through falling snow just isn’t fun. This is a rule that most people follow pretty well (and Washingtonians take to new levels of frenzied panic), so the grocery store should be pretty packed. That makes it a GREAT time to meet someone from your neighborhood!

Judging a good grocery store find is easy, too. She’s got a cart full of Lean Cuisine? Probably not the type for the aspiring amateur chef. He has a basket of tofu? I don’t care how hot he is, if you’ve been stocking up on ribs and burgers, just don’t bother. Plus, you get a lot of time to get to know someone in line, which is of course going to take forever just before a storm. Be careful, though: once you see your hottie, don’t wait until you get in line to talk, because maneuvering your way right behind someone is trickier than it seems and can be downright suicidal if the rest of the customers are panicked enough (you’ve never lived until you’ve seen a DC housewife in furs ram an old man out of the way with her shopping cart – maternal instincts can kick in at odd times).

The absolute best part of getting your game on at the grocery store is that the opening line is so easy. Pork shoulder in the cart? “Oh, are you having a snow-party?” 12-pack of Diet Coke? “I see you’re thinking ahead, I can’t live without that stuff either.” Pack of condoms? “So, how you doin’?” (along with creepy nod).

Since the other people at the store probably live in your neighborhood, the most important benefit is that yes, you can see them during the storm. It’s impossible to make definite plans in other parts of the city, but inviting someone to meet you at the neighborhood snowball fight or even for a walk in the winter wonderland followed by a mug of hot chocolate is easy when they live close by.

At the Snowball Fight

If you didn’t managed to score at the grocery store, you’re definitely going to want to hit the neighborhood snowball fight. DC gets it on with massive organized fights in various parks, and we think that must happen in other cities, too. If not, you should consider organizing one yourself. Hit up the local blogosphere with your idea, us bloggy types love shit like that. Or, just look for the hipsters. They’ll definitely be having a snowball fight.

The big challenge with the snowball fight is that you can’t really see who’s underneath all that snow gear. Even dirty hipsters can be pretty disguised: if they ski or snowboard, they could end up looking exactly like Chad in a full Spyder snowsuit! This isn’t all bad, though: see it as an opportunity to break out of your shell and get to know someone not based on their looks, or even their personality, really, but how hardcore they are in a snowball fight. You’ll know right away whether this person can get down or not – are they screaming and running, or laughing and attacking?

It can be a bit hard to strike up a conversation in this scenario. The best idea is to team up with the person instead. When they get hit, go after whoever hit them, and go from there. Gallantry is always a good look. When you both get tired, invite the person (and, presumably, your respective groups of friends) to share a table at the closest bar.

At the Only Open Bar for Miles

Most neighborhoods have the one central watering hole, serving beer, wings, and whiskey at reasonable prices, that stays open when the wine bar to one side and the classy eatery on the other side are closed. We Edukatorz hope and trust that you are familiar with this place and maybe even know the bartender. Or are the bartender. This is going to be your destination during the afternoon/evening of your snow day… because it will be everyone’s destination.

Basically, the local dive bar takes on an important role during a snowstorm. It is like its usual role as beer supplier, gossip central, and meet-and-greet is magnified. During a snowstorm, not everyone is going to emerge from their cozy houses, so you know that what you’re left with at the bar are alcoholics, members of poorly prepared households who drank all their beer already, or the socially inclined who get cabin fever.

Whether this describes you or not, this mix of people is likely a recipe for fun, so recommend you get out there. Just be careful who you’re hitting on – you don’t want to go for the poorly prepared. They’d be useless during a zombie apocalypse.

Out Shoveling Stuff

A good opportunity to meet that hot neighbor you’ve been lusting after is the morning after the snow stops falling. This is when everyone really gets to attacking their cars and walkways. While the Edukatorz hope you’ve been diligent with periodic shoveling during the storm to keep from having too much to move later, this is the final clean-up point. The entire neighborhood should pretty much be outside working.

This means it’s a great chance to get to know your neighbors, and an even better one to get to know your neighborhood crush. Offer to help them clean off their car or walkway – no one says no to that. This gives you ample time for conversation, which should be easy for even the most tongue-tied of you: Mother Nature handed you a topic ready-made when she dumped snow all over your town. This is the one time when talking about the weather is actually legitimate small talk. And the best part of all this is that helping someone out leaves a positive impression no matter how underwhelming your conversation might be.

Comcast Yule Log: Always a Good Look in the Snow

Once you use our advice to snare a worthwhile makeout partner, be sure to have some good wintertime drinks (the Edukatorz like hot chocolate spiked with peppermint schnapps) and your Comcast yule log burning on the TV! Making out in the snow is not only enjoyable, but you are doing a civic duty when you save energy by sharing body heat. Good luck!

While bars aren’t necessarily the best place to meet your soul mate, they have a longstanding tradition of being a great place to find some random making out. Much of one’s time at bars is spent perching on what (in some cases) are the most awkward contraptions for sitting mankind has ever developed. These are commonly called “barstools.” While some are quite comfortable, with high backs and foot rests, they can still make you look ridiculous when you try to get comfortable, and that is not going to help you find a make out partner.

Therefore, you need to keep in mind a few simple rules when you’re out at the bar. First, make sure you aren’t hunching over on the bar. As you get drunker, you probably get lazier, and leaning over on the bar is probably pretty comfortable. However, there’s nothing more off-putting than someone with their back to you, hunched over on their elbows. So if you want a makeout partner, you’re going to want to avoid the reclusive body language.

On the other hand, you don’t want to look like you’ve got a stick up your ass (in the literal sense). Sitting up too straight is going to scream uncomfortable. Not just in the sense that you’re perched on a barstool, but in the socially awkward way. And that’s not going to help your case. And for the ladies, that can go to an even greater extreme – and we see this all the time. Sticking out your chest is pretty much going to make you look like giant skank. So just don’t.

Seriously, this would just be scary at the corner dive bar.

The general rule of thumb we’re going for here is: relax, but not too much. The same way you aren’t wearing a ball gown out to a diner, but not your PJs either. Your posture is an underrated but important part of your wardrobe, and bar stools are the enemy of posture. Just keep this in mind next time you see a hottie down at the other end of the bar.

This guy's got it pretty much right.

It is very important to be prepared for any situation in life. Sometimes you find yourself in the kind of club where Becky and Chad* are getting buck in the VIP for Becky’s birthday party. Clearly, in this scenario, the best option is to convince Becky and Chad you are a rapper.

Why would you want Becky and Chad to think you’re a rapper?
First off, why not? But there are concrete benefits. Becky and Chad have money. In fact, the basic difference between Becky and Chad and hipsters is that Becky and Chad openly value money. Therefore, when Becky and Chad get buck in VIP, they pop bottles. As we all know, popping bottles gets you more models. Therefore, hanging out with Becky and Chad => popping bottles => more models. And we all want more models.

Get it get it.

But, why a rapper?
Becky and Chad stand in awe of rappers. Becky and Chad, like hipsters (see slide 4), inexplicably love top 40 rap. Dr. Dre’s “The Chronic 2000” is a classic for Becky and Chad along with Bob Marley’s “Legend” and anything by the Dave Matthews Band. Rappers are very cool to Becky and Chad, even though they would never act like that themselves (unless wasted). Think of it like a supercharged version of their token black friend.

So, now that you agree that convincing Becky and Chad you are a rapper is a great idea, here’s some advice as to how to go about it.

1. Have facial tattoos

Lil Wayned exhibits excellent examples of rapper tattoos.

Nothing says rapper to Becky and Chad like a whole bunch of facial tattoos. Since no one who isn’t ridiculously hard, and probably an ex-inmate, could possibly do such a thing, and all rappers are gangsta, it’s a solid starting point.

2. Throw temper tantrums
Because rappers are hard, with a bit of rock star thrown in, Becky and Chad expect them to have a certain larger-than-life attitude that is generally pretty violent. A great way to convey this is to throw a tantrum over mundane shit. For example, order Hennessy at the bar. Take a sip, then break the glass on the floor, insisting that the bartender bring you a new one because “that shit ain’t Hennie.”

Hennessy. Even VSOP is worth fighting for.

3. Be friends with DJ Khaled
Namedropping is always a good idea with Becky and Chad. You shouldn’t choose anyone too famous, because they may not believe you. You shouldn’t choose anyone too cool, either, because Becky and Chad might not know the name. DJ Khaled is a great choice for your imaginary friend because Becky and Chad think he’s very cool but probably know nothing about him. They’ll love frequent references to your drunken shenanigans with Khaled in Miami (include “Puerto Rican mamis” and a lot of guns in your stories).

DJ Khaled parties with rappers.

4. Be black
Being black gives you a head start in terms of believability, since Becky and Chad assume anyway that black people are either rappers, basketball players, drug dealers, or Secretaries of State. If you aren’t black, it’s okay, you just have to try harder. And you can always pretend to be black – pull a knife when Becky and Chad question you, and they’ll be too impressed by your level of crazy to bring it up again.

Colin Powell is not a rapper.

5. Wear bling
The icing on the cake is the ice in your ears. No self-respecting rapper leaves the house without at least a few diamonds on their person. That sounds expensive, but thanks to budget bling stores that have proliferated on the internet, you can get your rocks delivered to your door on the cheap.

Those pointers should get you started convincing Becky and Chad you’re a rapper. We hope you use this information for good and wish you many bottles and models.

*Becky and Chad are those who wear cargo khaki shorts, work in offices, drink in Georgetown, really like TMZ, etc. Catch up here.

This post goes out to you, nerdy guy standing three people back at the bar of the posh club, waiting ten minutes for the bustier-wearing hottie to bring you a $15 Stella Artois.

The maze to conquer...

We’ve all been there. The crowded bar where it seems like you can’t barter your right arm for a drink. This bar could be at Studio 54 or the biker dive on your corner. Either way, navigating through the stormy waters of thirsty drunks with cocktail intact can be scary. Doing it right is a delicate balancing act of etiquette and confidence, so here’s a few hints that might be useful.

1. Keep the goal in mind.

Whether you need a drink for yourself or the hottie you want to take home, you’ve assessed the situation and decided that it is worth throwing yourself into the fray. So stick with it. You’ve committed yourself now. Don’t let your friends distract you. Someone launched a grenade in the corner of the club? That’s nice. The bar is still intact? So swoop in while everyone else is looking the other way! If you’re going to do something, do it right.

2. The bartender is busy.

She's got a job to do!

The bartender might be renowned as the neighborhood jager-bomb-slinging machine or be a nice pair of tits that can’t mix a cosmo, but no matter the level of skill, bartenders get busy, and so do their bars. If you understand that, you are going to have the upper hand on pretty much everyone around you. For whatever reason, bar customers are unsympathetic creatures who think the job is easy and the bartender is an asshole if he doesn’t come up to them right away. Good bartenders see you. They have a pretty good general idea of when you walked up to the bar. Make eye contact to confirm that they see you, but don’t start yelling. It’s only going to put you last in line.

3. Tip. Always.

To guarantee you stay last in line for the rest of the night, by all means don’t tip. Some people seem to think this is an appropriate revenge for having to wait at the bar for too long. This is wrong. Bartenders make money from tips the way you make money from paychecks. It doesn’t have to be a lot – in fact, the bartender won’t expect much given the crush. But don’t be an asshole about it.

4. Don’t start a bar fight.

Waiting for a drink invariably leads to cranky customers (you know, the ones who won’t tip), which means the people pushing you on either side are close to the breaking point. Patience is not a virtue possessed by the average bar customer, and keep in mind that it decreases with each drink anyway (in other words, the fight risk becomes greater as the night gets later). Just take a deep breath, try not to step on anyone’s foot, and hold back that insult on the tip of your tongue. Why? Because if you start a brawl, you probably won’t get a drink. Priorities, people.

5. Don’t be a pussy.

If you are content to stand 4 deep without pushing forward, you are never, ever going to get a drink. Everyone else is pushing. Go for it… just don’t be too violent (see above point). Those girls leaning on the bar giggling to each other? They’ve already got their drinks. I don’t care how hot they are, they are in between you and your alcohol. A polite but firm “excuse me” should move them out of your way, even if it gets you a bitchy look. The really tall chad in the plaid shirt can be more difficult – approach this one with a dap and just say “yo I’m just trying to sneak in for a drink, bro” and you should be good.

With this advice, hopefully you won’t have quite as much trouble next time you need a drink. Good night and good luck.