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Hipster Friday: Hipster Spring Fashion

Winter is but a memory over here on the East Coast and that means that everyone is crawling out of their caves, this includes the vampire-like hipsters. While we’ve already covered jorts, there are a few other key parts of the hipster ensemble.

V-Neck T-Shirts

Hipsters love them some V-neck t-shirts, especially hipster males, this is possibly to show off their chest hair. It also separates them from the Chads of the World when they’re not wearing a polo shirt or crew cut tee.

Sunglasses

Hipsters love sunglasses and now that it’s sunny out they actually have a reason to wear them. As our presentation covered before, hipsters prefer aviators or wayfarers. The bigger/more colorful the sunglasses the better since the sunglasses act as a way to attract attention to themselves.

A hat AND ridiculous sunglasses, kinda lame.

Hats

Hipsters love hats, they’re quirky and they have the added benefit of shielding their pasty face from the sun.* This season hipsters are wearing a fedoras. While fedoras look sharp (and can even look sharp on a hipster), they do not always look as fetching on a hipster due to the hipsters general scruffiness.

Sundresses

Yes, the hipster female will in fact wear a dress when she can’t wear her jorts. To distinguish herself from Becky, the hipster female will find a dress that is either from a thrift store or that looks distressed; that is either too long or too short; and is either monochromatic or heavily patterned.

*Obviously they do not use hats for that purpose.

Spring is upon us (shut-up Vernal Equinox) and that means shorts weather. While Becky and Chad are taking out their khaki shorts and popping their polo shirts, hipsters are already prepared with their jorts. Jorts, aka jean shorts for those not in the know, are the only type of short self-respecting hipsters will wear.

Though it was once popular way back in the 1990s to wear long jorts (even down to your knees!), hipsters will only wear short jorts – this applies to both male and female hipsters. Female hipsters never call their jorts “Daisy Dukes” even if they actually are short enough to be “Daisy Dukes.”

These are hipsters in jorts.

While one can buy jorts, the proper hipster way to wear jorts is to make them yourself. If you too want to make your own jorts follow the instructions below and your legs will be feeling the sweet breeze of freedom in no time.

How To Make Jorts

1. Take a pair of old jeans you’ve either ruined or bought at the thrift store, preferably really skinny jeans and turn them inside out.

2. Take a marker and draw on the jeans where you are going to cut them. Make sure they’re as short as you’re comfortable with and then maybe make them a little shorter.

3. Following the lines you drew with your marker cut the legs off of your jeans. Try to get the edges as frayed as possible.

4. Turn them right side out and make sure the shorts are even. If they aren’t cut them a little shorter. Try them on, you now have jorts.

We Edukatorz sympathize with the plight of the hipster. Too often are they scorned and mocked by those non-hipsters (read: everyone else) out there. Fortunately the Edukatorz have developed a hipster sensitivity training course. Follow the below steps and you too will learn to become more sensitive to the plight of the hipster.

1) Be understanding of their mood swings and feelings.

Hipsters are notorious for their mood swings and for being mopey. While mood swings in general are annoying just go with the flow (unless it’s serious, like bi-polar disorder or depression, then try to get them help). As a result they are notoriously late/flakey for everything so just expect it since it won’t change no matter what you say. Hipsters believe they are unique flowers so try not to say anything too disparaging to them or any hint of criticism, they will lash out or cry and you don’t want to deal with that.

2) Be supportive of their creative endeavors.

Do not mock their creative endeavors whatever you do. Whether they are a “DJ”, “painter”, “graffiti artist”, “blogger”, “writer”, “photographer”, “guitarist” etc. don’t make fun of them for pursuing their creative endeavor or make fun of their art. It’s generally a dick move anyway to make fun of someone for pursuing their passions (or in a hipsters case – something that makes them look “cool”). An important part of hipster identity is being associated with being “creative” so making fun of their creative endeavors is tantamount to an assault on their identity. Also, don’t make fun of their art/music, etc. even if it’s REALLY bad (well, at least to their face), it’s poor manners anyway. Hipsters also do not take legit criticism very well so it’s best to keep it to yourself.

3) Learn to appreciate their fashion sense.

Learn to appreciate their unique fashion sense. Yes, they may look ridiculous to the rest of us, but do not tell them they look like they’re homeless or a prostitute, this is not nice. Do not make fun of them for wearing thick frame glasses when they have 20/20 vision and don’t make fun of their too skinny jeans. Hipsters show that they don’t care about what people think about them by going to extraordinary measures to look different. Of course they secretly do care what people think and will be hurt if you openly mock their clothing. Save the jokes for later.

4) Do not point out hypocrisy or flaws in their logic.

Hipsters aren’t very good with the whole “logic” or “consistency” thing so it’s best not to point them out, especially since hipsters will take it as criticism and we all know they don’t deal well with that. So instead of getting into an argument with that vegan hipster cutie who wears a leather biker jacket just nod your head and go with the flow.

While everyone likes to wear sweatpants whenever possible, the sad truth is that pants that button are often the only appropriate choice when in public. The Edukatorz get very stressed out when we see people wearing cargo pants to the club or leggings with a short top. So today, we are going to go over the appropriate situations in which to wear a few popular styles of pants.

Skinny Jeans

Skinny jeans, a trademark of hipsterism, have become increasingly popular in the mainstream and are completely appropriate wherever jeans are appropriate these days. The gentlemen should be careful of their balls, but generally speaking it’s a flattering look on the ladies – as long as they fit properly. However, this is not the style of choice when you are dressing up. Remember that skinny jeans are just that – jeans. Don’t try to rock them with a blazer or even to the office on casual Fridays. While “nice” jeans might be acceptable in that situation, no one at work needs to see your junk the same way they don’t need to see your knees through a tear in your jeans.

Straight-legged Jeans

This is the denim style of choice in almost any situation. If they aren’t faded, this will fly in most offices on casual Friday. They are also a better choice than skinny jeans for some body types. For the men who aren’t hipster enough yet to like the nut-hugging feel of skinny jeans, go for the straight-legged.

Boot Cut, Flared, and Bell-Bottomed Jeans

These styles of jeans are not appropriate unless you have a time machine set for the 70s or 90s. That includes you, Becky. Please stop.

Baggy Jeans

Baggy jeans are apparently back in with the high school kids. However, if you are an adult, please keep your underwear, you know, under. Unless you’re a rapper.

Leggings

Long taboo after the style’s blatant abuse through the 1980s and early 90s. leggings are once more an acceptable and comfortable pant type for the ladies. However, wear them carefully. The outfit around the leggings is what determines whether they are okay. For shoes, flats are generally a better look with leggings, since heels can end up looking a bit much. Flats keep it cute instead of outlandish. If you want to wear a miniskirt and no look like a ho, definitely go for the leggings. If you aren’t wearing a skirt, however, please, please make sure your top at least mostly covers your ass. No matter how much we wish they were, leggings are not “real” pants and you won’t look hot.

Sweatpants

Sweatpants are unacceptable in public unless you are at the gym or really don’t care what your neighbors think when you’re grocery shopping. Unless you are going for all-out guidette status, also avoid sweatpants that say things across the ass. It is beyond the Edukatorz why some Beckies like to rock tight-fitting sweatpants with their sorority plastered across their fat butt: that is the opposite of good marketing for your sorority. Worse, why do these girls then cover their faces with makeup? If you are going to go and do all that, the least you can do is get dressed, right? It makes our brains hurt.

Cargo Pants

If you are hiking, camping, or in the armed forces, cargo pants can be a very practical choice. They have a lot of pockets to keep all sorts of useful stuff. However, they are not attractive and should be limited to outdoorsy or potential combat situations. Also, make sure you have a pair stashed in case of zombie outbreak or robot rebellion – definitely the pant of choice in either of these inevitable scenarios.

Booty Shorts

Booty shorts are great look if you know the Dukes of Hazard or are a video ho. They can also look cute at the gym if you’re actually in shape. That’s about it.

Dress Pants

Hey men, dress pants are always good. Unless you’re at a sporting event (corporate box seats are an exception, of course) or barbeque, pretty much every guy looks hot in dress pants. Pleats, however, are a terrible look for even the most sarcastic of hipsters. Like leggings on women, however, you have to choose the outfit appropriately to not look a fool. Make sure you have the right pair of shoes, avoid sport socks, and wear a button-down shirt. And frankly, a tie never hurt anyone (here’s how to rock one right).

Philly Pants

Philly pants are not appropriate unless you live in Philly or are gay. And if you are gay and not in Philly, refer to them as Men’s Capris.

Whether it be anchor tattoos, yacht rock and now parties on actual boats, hipsters love them some some nautical themes. It is unclear why hipsters are so enthralled with nautical themes. Perhaps the emptiness of the vast ocean is a metaphor for their empty existence, or, more likely, they just think it looks cool (hipsters are not that self-reflective even if they play like they are).

Hipster boat/yacht rock parties are the perfect type of hipster party. They combine ridiculous outfits, old “not cool” music with an “alt” twist on a rich persons activity (boating). All of these parties have a few things in common.

Dressing Up

Where do you even get a captains hat? And note the "ironic" Miller Lite necklace.

One of the whole points of a boat/yacht rock party, etc. It is imperative that when attending a hipster boat/yacht rock party, etc. that one dress up lest you look like the Becky or Chad* who didn’t want to get in on the fun. Acceptable forms of dressing up include Captains hats, eye patches, boat shoes, blue and white stripped shirts/sweaters, collared shirts etc. You don’t want to roll in like a pirate though, that’d be a little weird, it’s a boat/yacht rock party not a pirate party, save that for your Pirates of the Carribean cosplay.

Venue

Ideally you’ll have your venue on a boat, but that can’t always be the case. If there’s no boat available for hipsters to hang out at (or if other people on the marina don’t want that element) one must decorate the party venue with nautical themes. This is one time it’s ok for hipsters to decorate their party.

Booze

It’s a hipster party, clearly there will be booze. Nautical themed booze are in order, usually made with some sort of rum. Of course this will eventually devolve and everyone will be drinking PBR by the end of the night.

Music

Yacht rock is clearly in order for any party with a nautical theme. Put on some smooth tunes like Michael McDonald or Hall and Oates and you’re good to go. I guess seafaring shanties or pirate jigs are also acceptable, but that’s getting too close to a pirate party which is not the point at all.

I dare you to not like them!

*Oddly enough, dressing like a Becky or Chad (or more likely their parents) would be totally appropriate for this type of party.

Hipsters like Valentine’s Day just as much as anyone else does. That is to say, they either love it or hate it. However, as we all know, hipsters have their own way of doing things, often just to be contradictory. So, here’s how to do it if that special someone (or that lack of special someone) in your life is a hipster.

DIY gifts

Hipsters love do-it-yourself craft projects. It makes them feel artsy. Therefore, you’re gonna want to skip the Hallmark aisle and go old-school style (or elementary-school style) with a construction paper heart card. Threadbanger has some ideas about DIY Valentine’s Day crafts for you here.

Make your own dinner

Hipsters love an amateur cook. The same rule applies to Brooklyn butchers as to the home cook: the more authentic and complicated-sounding the dish, the better. Think slow food, organic, and possibly vegan if you’re one of those.

Cassoulet gets mad meat-eater cred… if you don’t dry it out.

Don’t kill a plant!

There’s lots of crossover between hippies and hipsters as far as green politics is concerned, so, if you’re thinking of getting your lady a bouquet, you might want to go straight for a live plant. You don’t want to risk that look of horror when she realizes you’ve killed something for her! Besides, live plants last a lot longer.

Art!

Hipsters love art. Be cheap and write your honey a poem, an ironic love song, or go all-out, get some body paint, and do art all over each other.

Anti-Valentine’s day parties

Whether you have a date or not, the anti-Valentine’s DJ party or emo band lineup is a “counter-culture” affair that’s become quite harmless and mainstream. Keep up your bitter hipster vibe at one of the multitudes of these available all weekend!

And hipster dudes, never forget, shaving your mustache is the best present you can give your lady.

Sam Chase, longtime friend of the Edukatorz, hails from New Haven/New York. He spent a while in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, epicenter of hipsterism, so he’s well-equipped to weigh in on Hipster Friday. Today he’s broken down the basics of hipster music.

2010 is a census year.  The census is a super large scale gross generalization of the population at large and a big fuck you to the multi dimensional personality that is the United States.  The census fails miserably at truly categorizing and rationalizing all of the normal, and more importantly, all of our freak show citizens that overrun our fair nation.

It’s not that it would be impossible to thoroughly categorize people, in fact there are many ways in which you could go about doing so.  Like it or not, everyone is subject to being objectified and reduced to just another statistic in a larger group.  I say like it or not because there are those among us who really, really don’t like it.  Those individuals are affectionately referred to as hipsters.  A hipster’s greatest nightmare is being just another face in the crowd, being “normal” for lack of a better word.  Actually that might be a perfect word given its accessibility to the tongues of the masses…but I digress. When struggling to epitomize what it means to be one of these artistically inclined teen-turned-twenty-something self-proclaimed outcasts but more appropriately too-cool-for-school enigmas of style, the answer that I stumbled on was quite simple.  Hipsters are epitomized by the music that they love so dearly.

Hipster music is a sacred and long-standing cultural lynchpin of the hipster.  Upfront I would like to state that I love hipster music.  In fact it’s probably my favorite part of hipsterdom, a far cry from those retarded ironic t-shirts they love so much.  Hipster music tends to fall into two main categories, those being 1) older artists who were underappreciated for their time, with exceptions of those who were appreciated but few people (especially those of like age) know about, and 2) artists who are currently playing but are little known local talent playing at big city hipster hot spots i.e. the mercury lounge in NYC.  Hipsters have a vested interest in going against the grain.  A hipster creates their image by celebrating the retro, revering the obscure, and the music they love is carefully compiled in order to fit their false sense of differentiation.  A hipster can only increase their level of happiness whilst wearing a crushed Hartford Whalers t-shirt and wayfarer shades by blaring The Smiths or possibly Belle and Sebastian on their Ipod (yes hipsters are not adverse to technology, although I would respect the hipster rocking a walkman).

Now it is easy to plaster 80’s British pop music with the title of hipster music bread and butter, but the hipster is a complex being, and it would be unfair to make such a sweeping generalization.  It would be hard to argue that British pop didn’t leave a big stain on the impressionable young minds of future hipsters, and to be sure a fair number of hipsters would assert that The Smiths are the greatest band of all time, but I would say that that genre would, generously, only garner half of their attention when it comes to music.

The next big section of hipster music would have to be our little known superstars who fight the good fight, waiting the hell out of tables by night and playing awesome gigs either later at night or on their off days.  Now the beauty of these artists is a lot of them are really, really good.  Unfortunately for the masses it’s not that easy to get famous, and many of these artists have too much integrity to sell out.  You can find these artists at small hot spots located all around big cities.  The gift and curse of the hipster can come into play with these artists.  It does happen that a hipster favorite does indeed get famous, at which point the hipster is obligated to say a bittersweet goodbye as the now mainstream artist has violated everything a hipster stands for.

Lastly, we will address a subsection of little known artists, and those are foreign artists.  I don’t mean English-speaking foreigners, but all those others.  A big niche market for hipsters is French.  France is a natural partner with hipsterdom, as they are fashion forward and their dudes are effeminate.

Hipsters have done their best to distance themselves from the mainstream.  They detest those normal bastards who don’t fear the fact that they are just like everyone else.  Hipsters thrive on their ironic differences and their stupid shirts and crazy music, but along the way a funny thing happened, and in the most beautiful piece of irony I have heard, the hipsters have created their very own category, in which they all reside.

And check out Too Late here…that song is dope.

Consider yourself edukated.

No, real teenagers, not french bloghaus bands.

One of the Edukatorz decided to go to see of Montreal at the 9:30 Club last night and instead of seeing a slightly older crowd as expected, we got a younger crowd. There were X’s on hands as far as the eye could see. We stupidly didn’t bring a camera with us to document the scene, but trust us when we say there are teen hipsters out there waiting to become adult hipsters or whatever future social group we’ll mock in ten years.

What is a teen hipster?

A teen hipster, or thipster as we shall now refer to them, is a teenager who doesn’t feel like/can’t be a Becky and Chad in training, but instead chooses to live outside of the “mainstream.” Instead of being awesome and becoming a “band geek,” “math nerd,” “druggie,” or any of the other numerous cliques found in High School these teens choose to be a hipster.

The thipster often considers him/herself to be “misunderstood”, “artistic” and “being better than their peers.” They can often be confused with any of the “art kids” or “drama nerds” in High School, because of their artistic inclinations, but while they may wile away their time in the art room or auditorium, they’re not strictly “art kids” or “drama nerds.”Thipsters are kinda like baby hipsters and have the same interest in music, art, fashion etc. except it’s not as well developed and it’s usually on a 2-3 year delay from adult hipsters. Also,thipsters are usually kinda wimpy and don’t partake in substances like their adult idols with the exception of the occasional light beer or foray into their parents liquorcabinet.

Thipster’s dream of some day going to design school or some liberal arts college where they can study art, writing, graphic design and hang out with kids like themselves. In the mean time they occupy their time creating “art”, being in “indie bands” and hanging out on the Internet. Or, more realistically, they occupy their time talking about creating “art”,being in “indie bands,” and actually hang out on the Internet.

Why would they want to become hipsters?

An odd combination of low self-esteem and an inflated sense of self worth.

Where can you find thipsters?

Any all ages show of an indie act, coffee shops, Utrecht and other art stores, the mall, Guitar Center, their basements and on the Internet.

This is a public service announcement for our hipster friends: please dress appropriately for the weather. We know that you want to wear leotards and fishnets year-round, and cocaine and alcohol are great at fending off the cold. However, your body isn’t actually warm, and getting frostbite or dying of exposure isn’t any fun. So, today we’re going to go over a few articles that are necessary to the winter wardrobe of the prepared hipster. Don’t worry, once you get inside the warehouse party you can strip down again.

We know you want to dress like this all the time.

The Jacket

Winter jackets are absolutely necessary. Not only do you need to keep your torso warm, but they’re the easiest way to show off some style. In the last couple of winters, we’ve seen a lot of plaids, but there’s also the military look to keep in mind. Those are flamboyant in and of themselves, of course, and a good hipster piles flamboyant on top of flamboyant. Of course, if you’re feeling particularly poetic and introspective, you can always rock the classic pea coat look. To do that, however, you’re going to want a mustache.

Plaid goes great with horn-rimmed glasses.

The Hat

The big hat this winter is the trapper hat, the kind with fur lining and ear flaps. You can even find them in plaid. We do not recommend matching the plaid on your hat to the plaid on your jacket, however.

Snowflakes work too.

The Gloves

The best gloves are always fingerless gloves. This is not only because you can smoke cigarettes while wearing them, but you can also text, check into foursquare and take pictures of your awesome hipster winter activities.

The most useful and fashionable sort of glove.

The Sweater

The sweater should always be as ironic as possible. Think of your great-uncle at Christmas circa 1980.

We have updated streetwear versions now.

Okay kids, now that you’ve bundled up you can head out to play in the snow.

NB: A keffiyeh is not an acceptable fashion accessory.

While educating you all on topics that we think are important is all well and good, we know that there are serious questions our readers have that need answers. We are here for you! In our new column, Dear Edukatorz, we’ll be answering your questions and concerns to the best of our abilities. If you need advice on something, please email us at weareedukatorz (at) gmail (dot) com and look for a response here!

Dear Edukatorz,

My boyfriend’s mustache is ruining our relationship. Please help! He started growing it about four months ago as a joke, and I thought it would be funny at first. But then it just stayed. He won’t shave it. It’s causing so many problems – I can’t introduce him to my parents looking like this! Let alone the fact that he doesn’t keep leftovers in the fridge anymore. He says he has plenty of bits of food in his mustache! We haven’t had sex in weeks, it’s just so unattractive I can barely bring myself to make out with him. And when we do kiss, it’s scratchy and gross. It’s like a furry uninvited pet has come between us. I never thought I was a Becky, but does my revulsion of his mustache mean I’m attracted to Chads? What should I do?

-Reluctant Becky

This is actually a problem sweeping the nation.

Dear RB,

You do NOT have to be a Becky to hate mustaches. Remember, your boyfriend’s mustache is not a reflection on you, and you can‘t blame yourself for thinking it was fun at first. A lot of people do. At least you’ve recognized the problem. The mustache pandemic is affecting men of the hipster scenes from LA to NYC.

To help your boyfriend, you have to understand his problem. At first the mustachioed think it’s just a bit of fun. It makes them feel energetic and powerful. As soon as they shave it off, however, they become depressed and edgy, and crave the mustache. When they grow it back, they just keep going, chasing that first mustache experience, until there’s no stopping them. What they don’t understand is that mustaches don’t affect only the wearer, but the ones around them, a problem you are grappling with now.

We just hope your boyfriend isn’t a full-on mustache junkie yet. Does he carry around a mustache comb? Does he constantly stroke it? Worse, does it have a name? If not, there is hope for him to come around with no lasting scars. You should consider staging an intervention with his mustache-free friends. Talk about how the mustache is hurting the ones he loves.

If he’s past reasoning, you can try to shave it off while he’s asleep. Be careful when he wakes up, though: the cold-turkey approach can send some into shock. The first few days are the hardest – keep him away from costume shops and make sure you can supply him with razors. Check whether that’s a 5 o’clock shadow or a day’s worth of stubble. And always give him positive reinforcement – he can’t do this without your support.

Good luck, and thanks for writing in.

-The Edukatorz